On the Denial of Thirst Quenching

In which a request is granted and an apology is offered.

I apologize in advance for this post, it is rather dumb.

"The sun beat down relentlessly. Even though it was six in the evening there was no break in sight from the heat, or the humidity. Everyone agreed that being outside was a miserable experience, all week long walking outside felt like walking through a cloud. A gross, sticky, hot cloud. But it was a cookout, and so we were outside, because that is how cookouts work.

Upon my arrival Matt approached me and asked if I would be willing to man the grill. There is very little else in life that I enjoy as much as grilling. Something about it is relaxing, so I told Matt that I would be happy to do so.

With a whisper of gas and a pop of ignition the grill came to life. The low roar of the flames heated the grilling racks, remnants of past grilling adventures searing off and falling into the flames. As the grill approached it's optimal cooking temperature I tore open the packages of hot dogs and place them upon the grill. Staying near the grill I monitored their progress, watching as they first warmed, then cook. Turning them frequently kept them even and burn-free but it came with a price.

As I stood near the grill the swelter of the summer day along with the heat emanating from the grill caused my body temperature to rise. Perspiration began to form on my forehead, I grew more and more uncomfortable as the minutes past. The quest for dinner was costing me my hydration. Precious water was rolling down my face, no longer was my body 61% water, could I survive this costly endeavor? Would this cookout spell my doom? The end was fast approaching, just as I thought that I would not be able to last much longer I looked down and pronounced, 'Food's ready.'

People came up requesting a hot dog or two and I gladly served them, freeing myself from my fiery prison. When I finished helping the last of my friends I turned from the grill. Salvation was at hand. I walked over to a cooler filled with ice and refreshing looking water. I reached into the depths and pulled out a bottle, glad for the chilling effect the cold plastic had on my hand. Moving to unscrew the cap I noticed that there was water leaking out. Upon squeezing the life giving water shot out of two small holes, plummeting to the ground with a soft splash.

'This is ridiculous,' I remarked to those eating their food. Everyone looked up, some laughing, as the water continued to drain from the bottle.

'Maybe you should blog about it,' Kevin remarked with a smug grin"

Done and done.

On the Fun Frolic

In which adventures are had, and a good friend is remembered.

Every year in Bloomington there is a carnival that comes to town called the Fun Frolic, which is designed to raise money for Big Brothers Big Sisters and IU Child Care Centers. According to the internet it has been offering family-friendly fun since 1957, that's a lot of fun. I would hazard a guess that most people don't know what the Fun Frolic is for. Well, I take that back, people know what it's for, they just don't think it's for those organizations.

What is it for? That's easy, delicious fried food that will probably kill you one day, blood-tingling thrillrides that will probably kill you one day, and creepster, dirtball carnies that will probably kill you one day.

A long time ago I enjoyed going to events like the Fun Frolic for the rides, buying tickets and hopping on rusted out deathtraps was always exciting. My favorites were the Scramber and the Gravatron. These rides no longer hold the excitement that they once did, which is too bad. Because really there is not much of a reason to go if not for the rides.

The other big attraction is the ability to have your money stolen from you in a game of "chance" that is usually so rigged that you will never win anything good, and anything you do win anything it is not worth anywhere near the amount that you spent on the games and as soon as you get home you will stare all the crap you accumulated and think, "What in the world will I do with all this rubbish?"

There is, however, one game that you will almost always win and that can even lead to a new best friend. That game is the ping-pong ball toss. You remember that game, you throw a ping-pong ball at a fish bowl and if it land in you win a goldfish. Hooray!!

A couple of years back my friend Seth Rowe accomplished this very feat. And so Seth and I made a new friend. He was awesome, but then he died. This was 7 years ago. In remembrance of our good friend Dougie I am going to share with you something special. Enjoy.

Dougie, friend and darn good fish

______________________________________

By Your Mom
Independent Reporting
Originally published July 14, 2003
Dougie, a fish in good standing, died Monday of fish related complications, in his bowl in Apartment 16. He was estimated to be a few weeks old.
Dougie was born and raised in the place where the Fun Frolic carnies gets their fish, he grew up swimming a lot with neighborhood fish, nurturing a passion for the sport and turning it into a supplemental profession as his job as chief fish of the apartment.
"Swimming was his life, it was all he had," said Dougie’s Mom, his mother.
Dougie left the place the Fun Frolic carnies gets their fish shortly after being born in an attempt to try his luck at being a professional pet.
A few days later Seth Rowe threw a ping-pong ball into a fish bowl and Dougie’s dream became a reality. That night Dougie joined Seth, and his roommate Josh Milligan, at their apartment, where he worked for a couple of days swimming and eating. He did absolutely nothing else, because he was a fish.
“He seemed energetic when I came home from work,” said Josh Milligan, co-owner, “but half an hour later he was floating face up in the water.”
The time of death is estimated to be between 6 and 7pm, an autopsy could be performed to find the actual time and cause of death. However, given that he is a fish experts claim that cutting into him will do more harm then good. These experts are now having their credentials checked.
Dougie touched the lives of all those who met him, and even some of those who didn’t.
When asked what she thought about Dougie Lauren Zaczek, a friend, said, “He was a soldier.”
While he had no known children of his own Dougie’s memory will live on in the heart and minds of his friends.
Visitations will be held at Apartment 16 until his remains are removed. A memorial service will be held when both Seth and Josh are present in Bloomington at the same time.
In addition to his mother, Dougie is presumed to be survived copious amounts of other fish.
_______________________________________________________________
Dougie Haines, swimming in heaven.

On the Internets

In which homeless people are observed, robots are brought to life, and insanity is contemplated.

So it is a great big internet out there. Lots of things to do and see.

One thing that I have learned over the last 10 or so years that I have been interneting is that the internet is full of garbage. You can put up just about anything that you want, unfortunately most of what people put up is just horrid.

But on that rare occasion there will be a gem of goodness amidst all the crap. On an even rarer occasion I will stumble upon said goodness. So I was thinking about it and decided one of the uses for this blog would be to share with those of you kind enough to read along some of the fun things I find.

A game: What's one thing the internet has lots of? Well, yes, naked ladies; but I was actually talking about flash games, just ask any high school student taking a computer application class. One that I discovered a few days ago is beautifully put together and very short, which is nice. This puzzle game has a fantastic atmosphere, beautiful visuals, and a simple concept, all in all very charming. You can check it out here: http://fastgames.com/littlewheel.html

A blog: I don't know if you have ever played the Sims before. It was a fun game where you get to control a family of people and pretty much act as a god. You could tell them what to do, who to talk to and how, you had complete control. Part of the game included creating a house for the sims to live in. Why am I telling you this, well because the Sims 3 just came out and a woman from the UK is playing it in an interesting way. She has created homeless sims, a father and daughter, and had created a blog following their "lives." You would think that reading about fake people being controlled by a stranger would be stupid, however, following the lives of Kev and Alice (the sims in question) is strangely compelling and poignant. Even if you have never played the Sims you should give it a look: http://aliceandkev.wordpress.com/

A YouTube video: Ah YouTube, home of embarrassing videos of kids doing stupid things. You can also find music videos on there. I watched one just this morning. I had never heard of the song before, but after watching the video I can't help but wonder if that is what going mad is like.



The World Wide Web, allowing you to waste time since 1989.

On Interesting Things Found In Portland, Maine.

In which a trip is taken, the automotive future is viewed, and an apocalypse is prepared for.

This last week I had the opportunity to go to Maine with my family. I have never been there before and I have to say that it was pretty spectacular. The first half of the week we were in Portland which is a cool little harbor town. But just like all towns it has things that make for great stories, or in this case, a blog post.

On our first full day in Portland we were walking around down town, seeing what there was to see and we decided to do something a little unconventional. So we walked away from downtown towards our destination. On the way there we pasted closed shops and construction sites that smell horribly. When we reached the point in our journey when we called to find out where exactly we needed to go we saw signs of our destination. To get there we had to cut through a shipyard. I am not exaggerating when I tell you that it felt like a was going to some drug deal in a Scorsese movie. So what were the Milligans doing walking down this back alley shipyard? Why we were going on a train tour of course.

We had found ads for a tour of the Portland harbor by narrow gauge train. Now you are probably thinking "hey, that sounds pretty cool, you will get to see a lot of cool things and ride in an old timey train." Well that's what we thought also, but as it would turn out this was not the case. Here is what happened instead, we got on the train which backed up 100 yards for some reason, then went for perhaps a mile on the track. It was pretty lame. They didn't even let us enter the old passenger cars, we just had to sit in a car with one bench running down the middle facing outwards.

What other oddities can one find in Portland? How about a true environmentalist? These days, especially here in Bloomington, you see a lot of people driving around in Priuses. Those people are posers. If you truly care about saving the environment you will get yourself a Tesla Motors Roadster. I saw one of these parked at a grocery just outside of Portland, it was the first time I have seen one in real life. When the owner started it up and drove away it made absolutely no noise.

So how much does saving the environment set you back? Only $101,500. But don't worry, a sedan model will be available starting in 2012 and will only set you back $49,900. Also, as of right now the only dealerships are in California, which means that this guy shipped his one hundred thousand dollar car across the country. Now that's environmentalism!!

Last but not least I need to introduce you to a friend of mine, if you don't already know him. His name is B-Carl. B-Carl is a great guy, fun to hang out with but not with out his own idiosyncrasies. One of them is that he has a plan for surviving a zombie apocalypse. No joke, ask him about it.

What does this have to do with Portland? Well from talking to B-Carl one thing I know is that a place to survive the zombie attacks is one of, if not the most important parts of survival. In the middle of the Casco Bay there is an island that contains Fort Gorges, a fort that was constructed during the Civil War. As it happened military advancements made the fort obsolete the moment that it was completed. However, it still stands, and can be visited by anyone with their own boat. The fort is big enough to house 30-40 cars inside of it and has sod on the roof (which was a last ditch effort to make it able to withstand explosive rounds). The most important fact however is that it exists on an island with no bridges.

So if you wake up one day and find the world overran with the undead grab your emergency shotgun, your canned goods and start heading for Maine.

Fort Gorges, waiting for a zombie apocalypse since 1865.

On Horrifying Things That I Hope To Never Encounter

In which we belittle a sovereign nation and visual imagery is utilized.

I am on vacation this week in Maine and I had wanted to do a series of posts about the things I am doing and seeing. As I went along I was going to post pictures and humorous stories and situations. In short it was going to be pretty awesome. Unfortunately I left the cable for my camera at home so I can't upload my pictures, which steals my thunder for the posts. So you will have to wait for an after action report about vacation next week.

So instead we are going to talk about something horrible. Mind bogglingly horrible. Imagine if you will that you are a rancher who works with cattle. Cows are your life blood and main source of income. As you can imagine a large part of your job is travel around and muster your livestock. But here's the thing, you have a lot of land and a ton of cows so you have to use a helicopter to see all your animals. So there you are hovering over your cows when you see something off in the distance, a cow is on it's side and something is eating it. Something is eating one of your cows. Is it Bigfoot? Is it a velociraptor? Is it Jared pre-Subway diet? No, unfortunately it is none of these things. What is it you ask? Here let me show you.

Are you kidding me? Look at this thing! And where you might ask does such a ungodly animal exist? No not in Columbus, Ohio though that is a good guess. This loathsome beast lived, slaughtered cows, and was shot in Australia. But what do you expect from an island that was used a penal colony for years. I think that mother nature is just trying to drive the white folks out of there with freaky animals.

Now I've never been to Australia so I can't speak with any authority. But I say they pack it in and give the island to the boars. We don't need it. And while we are at it let's build a wall around Georgia and never go back there either. Though in all honesty I could come up with a number of reasons to never go to Georgia again, none of which have anything to do with giant animals.

I suppose that if there was any good to come from this abomination it's that when North Korea eventually leads us to a nuclear apocalypse we can saddle the bad boys up and use them as a means of transportation. I call shotgun!