On Birthday Wishes

In which the long standing tradition of writing a blog post for a birthday continues.


We are fast approaching February the second. Which, as any long time readers will know, means that the topic for this week's post was suggested by my good friend Seth Rowe¹. Previous examples can be found here and here².

This year, when I asked Seth what he would like me to write about he asked me to have "a point-counterpoint blog about television. one pro-television and one anti-television³" that would span across two different blogs. I thought about it, considered who I would turn to to act as the second blogger⁴, thought about what I would say for each side of the argument, and then (in keeping with the birthday-blog tradition) took the idea and ran with it⁵.

Here's what I came up with. Happy Birthday Seth⁶.

Click on the images to make them bigger.

It is probably not all that surprising, but my view on the issue is a combination of both of the main characters monologues. Hope you enjoyed my arts⁷.
__________________________________________________________
¹ I'd link you to Seth's blog, but he doesn't blog frequently enough, so I've enacted a linking embargo
² The links are chronological
³ Quote courtesy of our G-Chat
⁴ Since I usually use Sarah Street's blog as a muse I was going to ask her to co-author with me
⁵ Like in a good game of charades, taking ideas and running with them Jimmy Mann style is a cornerstone of this blog
⁶ Isn't it amazing that I was able to fit so many footnotes into such a small block of text?
⁷ If you'd ever like your birthday present to be a blog post all you have to do is ask

On the Continuing Adventures of Snow Days

In which we, once again, fulfill a birthday wish.

It was recently my friend Seth's birthday, since it is a free gift I offered, for a second year in row¹, to write a blog post on the topic of his choice. He asked me to write about snow days. Since I just wrote about the reason behind snow days and I wrote about what I do on snow days last year I wasn't sure what I was going to write about. Finally though inspiration struck. So please enjoy these excerpts from my new screen play²:

INT. OFFICE. DAY.

A slightly overweight man sits at his desk, his rumpled shirt and tie almost match. He stares down at a desk covered with reports and memos while the new message light on his phone blinks unendingly. There is a knock at the door.

CHIEF RODRIGUEZ

Come in.



The door opens and a stylishly dressed man enters. His expensive looking suit coat bulges out slightly where his shoulder holster rests.

SNOW

You wanted to see me chief?

CHIEF RODRIGUEZ

I did. Shut the door and sit down.

Snow moves around to the front of the brown leather chair and takes a seat.

CHIEF RODRIGUEZ

I've been reviewing your handiwork all morning. This is some mess you've caused. Do you have anything to say for yourself?

SNOW

Sometimes you have to break some eggs to make an omelet.

CHIEF RODRIGUEZ

(pause)

Sometimes you have to break...that's it? That's all you've got?

(enraged)

I've got a pile of complaints, emails and memos a mile high. My phone hasn't stopped ringing all morning. We've got three suspects in the morgue, a dozen bystanders in the hospital, and millions of dollars in property damage. Where did all of this mayhem get you in your investigation?

SNOW

Vandoren is behind it, he always has been. You know it and I know it.

The chief stand up swiftly, his chair is pushed back into the wall, he is visibly upset.

CHIEF RODRIGUEZ

(screaming)

Senator Vandoren is one of the wealthiest, most well respected men in this city. Your witch hunt against him has already cost this department too much, I'm shutting you down.

SNOW

(screaming)

You're taking me off the case.

CHIEF RODRIGUEZ

(screaming)

I'm doing more than that. I'm suspending you, effective immediately. Turn in your gun and badge.

Snow stand up and very deliberately removes his pistol, ejects the clip, clears the chamber and sets the gun on the desk.

SNOW

You are wrong on this one chief. You are letting a complete sociopath literally get away with murder.

CHIEF RODRIGUEZ

And you are a loose cannon Snow Day. I've been waiting a long time for this day to come, now get out of my office.

Snow looks down at his badge one last time before flipping it onto the desk.

SNOW

It's funny that you mention that, because there is something I've been waiting a long time for as well.

Snow pulls back and punches the Chief in the nose sending him to the ground. He then turns and walks out of the office.

CHIEF RODRIGUEZ

(yelling)

SNOW DAY!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INT. BAR. NIGHT

The dank bar is lit with a few flickering florescent lights. The ground is littered with broken bottles and unconscious or dead men. Snow Day stands behind the bar holding a rough looking biker by his black leather jacket.

SNOW

When is the shipment coming in?

BIKER

Hey man, I ain't tellin you nothin.

SNOW

Have it your way. It looks like we've got a weather advisory, things are about to get a little icy.

Snow drags the biker to the ice chest and shoves his head into the ice. The biker begins to kick and flail. Snow pulls him up.

SNOW

Give me the date.

BIKER

No

Snow returns him to the ice, then pulls him out.

SNOW

(yelling)

The date!

BIKER

(teeth chattering)

I, I can't.

Snow moves to put his head back in the ice.

BIKER

Wait! Wait, I'll tell you. Saturday, it's coming Saturday.

SNOW

(menacingly)

What. Time.

BIKER

Midnight.

Snow hits the biker in the stomach and he slouches to the ground. Snow begins to walk out of the bar. The biker sees a sawed-off shotgun under the bar and grabs it. Snow pauses as he hears the biker rack the gun.

BIKER

(screaming)

You son of a...

Snow spins around pulling out his pistol, he shoots the biker before he can get his shot off. The bikers body falls back into the ice chest.

SNOW

Chill out.

---------------------------------------------------

EXT. PARK. NIGHT.

Rain is falling heavily as Snow and a beautiful brunette woman stand beneath a street light. The pair lean in close as they talk.

ALICIA

I'm leaving town tonight Snow, it's not safe for me anymore.

SNOW

Don't say that. I'm close, I can feel it. Stay here, with me, I can keep you safe. Once I put Vandoren away for good we can be together.

ALICIA

You can't stop him, my husband is just too well connected. And he knows about us, if he finds me I'm dead.

[pause]

Come with me Snow, forget about this corrupt city, we can start a new life together. I love you Snow.

Snow pulls her in closer and they kiss. Alicia stares into Snow's eyes for a few seconds.

ALICIA

You aren't coming are you?

SNOW

You know I can't. Listen, you go, be safe. I've got to finish this with Vandoren, but then, I'm coming for you.

---------------------------------------------------

INT. DINER. DAY.

Snow sits at a booth with a thin black man with graying hair and a beat up looking suit and tie.

SNOW

I'm glad you're with me on this Johnny, there is no one else I can trust.

JOHN

Of course man, anything for you.

SNOW

I'll be honest, I didn't think I would get you away from your fishing boat.

JOHN

(laughing)

I didn't think you would either, retirement is really agreeing with me. But truth be told, I miss the excitement. Enough of this, we've got a job to do. You pay for lunch and I'll go get the car.

John leaves the diner, Snow reaches for his wallet as his cell phone rings.

SNOW

Hello?

MAN (os)

Is this Detective Day?

SNOW

It is, who is this.

MAN (os)

I've got a message for you. Senator Vandoren says, "boom."

SNOW

(quietly)

What?

An explosion is heard from outside, followed by screaming.

SNOW

(yelling)

Johnny!!

---------------------------------------------------

EXT. ROOFTOP. NIGHT.

Snow is on his knees on the roof of an abandoned high school, his arms are tied behind his back, he is beaten and bloody. Vandoren paces in front of Snow, hitting him in the stomach with his cane every so often. Snow is frantically trying to cut the rope that holds his hands together.

VANDOREN

You know, I should thank you Detective Day, I'm sorry I mean Mr. Day. Not only did you take out many of my chief competitors, but your rampage through the city today provided the perfect distraction allowing my shipment to arrive unmolested.

(pause)

What's the matter? Where is the patented Snow Day wit I've heard so much about? Where is the pithy comeback?

(pause)

Nothing? Such a pity. As I was saying, you did such a wonderful job for me today that I considered letting you live. However, there is the matter of your little, dalliance with my wife. My wife! Call me old fashion, but there is a little thing called the sanctity of marriage.

SNOW

How, exactly, does me catching you in a hot tub with two outrageously young women fit in with your idea of the sanctity of marriage?

Vandoren hits Snow in the stomach, hard.

VANDOREN

(grinning)

They weren't married.

Vandoren glances at his watch.

VANDOREN

I must say this has been an entertaining evening, unfortunately business must come before pleasure. You see, you were the only one who knew that I forced this school to close so that I could use it too process my heroin supply. And with you out of the way we will finally be open for business.

SNOW

Unfortunately for you, Senator, I see one small problem with you plan.

VANDOREN

Oh yes? And what would that be.

Snow finishes cutting his restraints and jumps up and grabs Vandoren before he is able to react. He walks him to the edge of the roof. As he is pushing him off the roof Snow says:

SNOW

It's a snow day, school's closed.

__________________________________________________________

¹ Check out my attempt at poetry: here

² Which I have crammed full of as many clichés as I could imagine

On the Fun Frolic

In which adventures are had, and a good friend is remembered.

Every year in Bloomington there is a carnival that comes to town called the Fun Frolic, which is designed to raise money for Big Brothers Big Sisters and IU Child Care Centers. According to the internet it has been offering family-friendly fun since 1957, that's a lot of fun. I would hazard a guess that most people don't know what the Fun Frolic is for. Well, I take that back, people know what it's for, they just don't think it's for those organizations.

What is it for? That's easy, delicious fried food that will probably kill you one day, blood-tingling thrillrides that will probably kill you one day, and creepster, dirtball carnies that will probably kill you one day.

A long time ago I enjoyed going to events like the Fun Frolic for the rides, buying tickets and hopping on rusted out deathtraps was always exciting. My favorites were the Scramber and the Gravatron. These rides no longer hold the excitement that they once did, which is too bad. Because really there is not much of a reason to go if not for the rides.

The other big attraction is the ability to have your money stolen from you in a game of "chance" that is usually so rigged that you will never win anything good, and anything you do win anything it is not worth anywhere near the amount that you spent on the games and as soon as you get home you will stare all the crap you accumulated and think, "What in the world will I do with all this rubbish?"

There is, however, one game that you will almost always win and that can even lead to a new best friend. That game is the ping-pong ball toss. You remember that game, you throw a ping-pong ball at a fish bowl and if it land in you win a goldfish. Hooray!!

A couple of years back my friend Seth Rowe accomplished this very feat. And so Seth and I made a new friend. He was awesome, but then he died. This was 7 years ago. In remembrance of our good friend Dougie I am going to share with you something special. Enjoy.

Dougie, friend and darn good fish

______________________________________

By Your Mom
Independent Reporting
Originally published July 14, 2003
Dougie, a fish in good standing, died Monday of fish related complications, in his bowl in Apartment 16. He was estimated to be a few weeks old.
Dougie was born and raised in the place where the Fun Frolic carnies gets their fish, he grew up swimming a lot with neighborhood fish, nurturing a passion for the sport and turning it into a supplemental profession as his job as chief fish of the apartment.
"Swimming was his life, it was all he had," said Dougie’s Mom, his mother.
Dougie left the place the Fun Frolic carnies gets their fish shortly after being born in an attempt to try his luck at being a professional pet.
A few days later Seth Rowe threw a ping-pong ball into a fish bowl and Dougie’s dream became a reality. That night Dougie joined Seth, and his roommate Josh Milligan, at their apartment, where he worked for a couple of days swimming and eating. He did absolutely nothing else, because he was a fish.
“He seemed energetic when I came home from work,” said Josh Milligan, co-owner, “but half an hour later he was floating face up in the water.”
The time of death is estimated to be between 6 and 7pm, an autopsy could be performed to find the actual time and cause of death. However, given that he is a fish experts claim that cutting into him will do more harm then good. These experts are now having their credentials checked.
Dougie touched the lives of all those who met him, and even some of those who didn’t.
When asked what she thought about Dougie Lauren Zaczek, a friend, said, “He was a soldier.”
While he had no known children of his own Dougie’s memory will live on in the heart and minds of his friends.
Visitations will be held at Apartment 16 until his remains are removed. A memorial service will be held when both Seth and Josh are present in Bloomington at the same time.
In addition to his mother, Dougie is presumed to be survived copious amounts of other fish.
_______________________________________________________________
Dougie Haines, swimming in heaven.

On Naming a Blog and Awarding a Cookie

In which we investigate inside jokes and someone is both mocked and praised.


So this is my blog. Pretty exciting no? To be honest I had sat down multiple times over the last few weeks with the intention of starting a blog. I like the idea of writing one because I often find myself having ridiculous thoughts or ideas about various topics and this will, hopefully, give me an outlet for them. However, when I went to make my "blogspot" I could never get past the naming of the blog, it was my secret shame.

Literally at a loss for words I did what anyone would do in my position, I turned to Facebook for guidance. Ah Facebook, the last true bastion of creativity and deep meaningful friendships; where else can I find out what Pete from Vermont, who I only met once, ranks as his five favorite cheeses? (Zach, this is internet sarcasm, don't be confused). And so, via the status bar, I reached out and asked for suggestions as to what I should name my blog. The person who delivered the best name would win a cookie, any horrible ideas would be mocked.

To my surprise there were a number of great suggestions. More than once I found myself laughing at inside jokes that are now years old or simply laughing at clever ideas. As you can see from the top of this blog, and the URL code the winning title was "Bravo Deploy Satchmo." This title was suggested by Carrie Felton (who has her own blog here). She will be getting her cookie the next time I see her. That's not all though, she also has the distinction of suggesting the worst blog title also. That suggested title was jlog. Take a moment and let it sink in. Jlog. Really Carrie? You thought that was a good idea? I should spit on your cookie as punishment.

Well that is enough about how horrible Carrie can be. Let's talk about some of the other suggestions. I am going to list some of the favorites, sorry if you don't make the cut.

Inside-joke options: Seth Rowe was quick out of the gates with "fast car" "Frequent Bailency" and "Mother Father" and to be honest I was this close to going with "Frequent Bailency" but decided not to. But don't worry Seth it will make it's return as a blog posting sooner rather than later. I also was suggested "josh behind the josh" by Carrie which is a play on Seth's blog and I almost ran with that as "josh behind the seth" but didn't. The final inside-joke suggestion was "An Ode to Katie-man Cannon" by Katie Cannon, one of my most favorite Newburgh folks.

Name options: These were suggestions based around my name. Jace and Zach went with "Josh'in Around" and "I'm Just Josh'in You" respectively. Carrie, who goofs around on the Internet a lot while at work, threw down "joshball" for all you Settlers fans out there. But my favorite of all the name options comes from Zach Kovack with his wonderful "Milligan Again" which is just fun to say.

Wow, that post went on a lot longer than I expected it to. Thanks for joining in, future posting probably won't be as long winded. A special thanks to everyone that suggested a name or names for the blog, it was fun.

Bravo Deploy Satchmo. Welcome to it.