Tuesday, February 22, 2011

On Allegorical Boating

In which a classic beginning is followed by something a little less so.

Once upon time there was a captain of a boat. This young captain was a good man, intelligent and well spoken. When he spoke of his boat he talked about a great and wondrous vessel. A boat unparalleled in all the seas. He spoke with such a great passion and eloquence that to listen to him was to agree with him. People would nod and smile and think to themselves, "what a wonderful boat this is." What's more they would look at their captain and smile, for he was a good captain.

Now, no captain can helm a ship by himself, and our young captain was no different. He was surrounded by a fine crew who, just like the captain, loved their ship. They worked hard to make sure the ship sailed smoothly. And even in those time when the crew could not agree what was the best course for the boat they would find a way to compromise and chart a path for the boat, and work to keep her running. What a great boat this is, the people would say to one another, truly there is none finer. The people would watch the crew and smile, for this crew worked hard to make sure that the boat would always move forward.

Unfortunately this was an old boat, and old boats do have their problems. And in this case the problem was that the ship was taking on water. All around the hull there was cracks, and holes, through which water would flow. If something was not done the beautiful ship would sink. The captain and his crew got together and they made a plan. They would give everyone, both the crew and the passengers, buckets and they would bail the boat out. Those that were the strongest were given large buckets, those who were weak or small were given smaller buckets and, at times, even given assistance to lift them. And together they began to bail out the boat. But soon problems began to arise.

The water rose faster and faster and soon the stronger passengers began to complain that it was too difficult to lift their large buckets with all of the water around them. So the captain and the crew gave them smaller buckets, while taking smaller buckets themselves, and so the water continued to rise. Again the strongest of the people said that they couldn't bail with the buckets they were given, so they were given small buckets while some of the strongest had no buckets at all. As you would expect the water rose ever faster. The captain looked at his distressed passengers and told them not to worry. He would fix the problems, be would stop the leaks and return the large buckets to the strongest people. The passengers were relieved and went back to bailing while the captain went to his crew.

However, when he met with them his voice failed, and his strong will seemed diminished. He did not call for the buckets to be returned, instead he focused on the weakest passengers, those that needed support to even lift the smallest cup. He pointed to them and said, we will take their supports from some of them for they tie up too many of our resources. Those passengers were in shock as their help was taken, their sad eyes focused on the giant holes in the ship. Next the captain said, look, we must plug these smaller holes to slow the tide. But the waters still rose as his crew shouted back, that it wasn't good enough, they wanted all of the supports taken from the smallest people, and they wanted to only focus on the smallest of holes to make sure they were completely closed off. The captain and his crew began to argue in earnest about which of the small holes should be filled, and in what order. All the while the passengers watched as torrents of water flowed through the largest of holes, and still the men shouted, but never about those gaps.

So the ship sailed on. And if you listen closely over the roar of the water, and the sound of the bailing, and the yelling of the crew you could hear the soft slow cry of the small and weak. They cried for the support they lost, the blame they felt, and the fact that they were forgotten by those much stronger than them. Tears ran down their faces adding to the rising waters that would inevitably drown them all.
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Okay, I'll be the first to admit that my little story was very over the top and an incredibly simplified version of what is going on right now in Washington as it relates to the argument over the national budget. But here are some things that I know are true. The current budget proposals, that have come from both democrats and republicans make major cuts to some of the smallest programs. No one from either side of the aisle has proposed to make cuts to our biggest expenditures, and if they are talking about it they aren't talking very loudly. Those people that are going to be most effected by cuts to things the Community Services Block Grant (CSBG) feel absolutely shit on by these decisions and the people that are making them. And for once I won't apologize for my language, because I can't imagine there is a better word to describe how they are feeling.

Here are some statistics to solidify how ridiculous this whole plan is.

President Obama made the following budget cuts to some of the programs that are most "important" to him.
  • The CSBG is going to have it's funding cut in half, from $700 million to $350 million. (-50%)
  • The Low Income Home Energy Assistance Program is going from around $5 billion to about $2.5 billion. (-50%)
  • The Community Development Block Grant Program will be losing about $300 million. (-7.5%)1
That is a total of just over $3 billion dollars. Meanwhile, here is what is happening with military spending:
  • Research and Development is going from $80.21 billion to $75.72 billion. (-5.6%)
  • Procurement is going from $135.79 billion to $128.05 billion. (-5.7%)
  • Operations is going from $292.83 billion to $294.89 billion. (+.7%)2
Yes you read that right, the operations budget for the military will be going up this next year. Which is ridiculous. Look, here is the thing. I know that the military, for many people, is an important part of the budget, I know that there are a lot of brave men and women who put their lives on the line every day because they believe it is the right thing to do. But the amount of money that we spend on the military is out of control. I did some quick math and here is what savings would look like if we applied the same cuts to the programs dealing with poverty to the military budget.
  • Cutting R&D by 50% would save us $40 billion dollars.
  • Cutting Procurement would save us $68 billion dollars.
  • Cutting Operations by just 7.5% would save us $22 billion dollars.
Even cutting the first two by 25% would save us $50 billion, that is a lot of money. And really that is the most alarming part. The cuts to the poverty services are so small and effect such a small portion of the deficit that it seems like it is all for show, which makes it even worse. Here is the sick thing. If we didn't cut any of the military budget, and instead simply didn't raise the amount going to operations we would save $2.06 billion dollars, more than enough to cover the cost of the CSBG, the CDBG and almost half of the Energy Assistance Grant. It is embarrassing.

What it comes down to is a group of men and women who are making decisions for our nation that are so out of touch with the reality of peoples lives that they would rather stand around shouting at each other about which small holes to plug while the water rises around their ears3.

My mom emailed me earlier this week and she passed down some of that motherly wisdom you always forget is there until it slaps you in the face. So I'll leave you with her words to me.

"I am truly convinced that I want someone representing me who has personal experience with family members, or close friends who have truly experienced hardship...why can't we help those who want to help themselves. This issue brings tears to my eyes and a knot in my stomach."
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1 These statistics were found here: http://www.npr.org/blogs/itsallpolitics/2011/02/14/133748987/whats-in-the-2012-budget-plan-npr-breaks-it-down
2 These number are from the New York Times infographic which gives a good representation of how absurd the breakdown of the budget it: http://www.nytimes.com/packages/html/newsgraphics/2011/0119-budget/index.html
3 By the way, they also decided not to raise taxes. Now, I'm no Kelley School of Business graduate or anything but I'm pretty sure if you are in debt the only way out is spend less than you make. If we can't spend less then we need to make more, which means, wait for it, more taxes.

Monday, February 14, 2011

On the Continuing Adventures of Snow Days

In which we, once again, fulfill a birthday wish.

It was recently my friend Seth's birthday, since it is a free gift I offered, for a second year in row1, to write a blog post on the topic of his choice. He asked me to write about snow days. Since I just wrote about the reason behind snow days and I wrote about what I do on snow days last year I wasn't sure what I was going to write about. Finally though inspiration struck. So please enjoy these excerpts from my new screen play2:

INT. OFFICE. DAY.

A slightly overweight man sits at his desk, his rumpled shirt and tie almost match. He stares down at a desk covered with reports and memos while the new message light on his phone blinks unendingly. There is a knock at the door.


CHIEF RODRIGUEZ
Come in.

The door opens and a stylishly dressed man enters. His expensive looking suit coat bulges out slightly where his shoulder holster rests.

SNOW
You wanted to see me chief?

CHIEF RODRIGUEZ
I did. Shut the door and sit down.

Snow moves around to the front of the brown leather chair and takes a seat.

CHIEF RODRIGUEZ
I've been reviewing your handiwork all morning. This is some mess you've caused. Do you have anything to say for yourself?

SNOW
Sometimes you have to break some eggs to make an omelet.

CHIEF RODRIGUEZ
(pause)
Sometimes you have to break...that's it? That's all you've got?
(enraged)
I've got a pile of complaints, emails and memos a mile high. My phone hasn't stopped ringing all morning. We've got three suspects in the morgue, a dozen bystanders in the hospital, and millions of dollars in property damage. Where did all of this mayhem get you in your investigation?

SNOW
Vandoren is behind it, he always has been. You know it and I know it.

The chief stand up swiftly, his chair is pushed back into the wall, he is visibly upset.

CHIEF RODRIGUEZ
(screaming)
Senator Vandoren is one of the wealthiest, most well respected men in this city. Your witch hunt against him has already cost this department too much, I'm shutting you down.

SNOW
(screaming)
You're taking me off the case.

CHIEF RODRIGUEZ
(screaming)
I'm doing more than that. I'm suspending you, effective immediately. Turn in your gun and badge.

Snow stand up and very deliberately removes his pistol, ejects the clip, clears the chamber and sets the gun on the desk.

SNOW
You are wrong on this one chief. You are letting a complete sociopath literally get away with murder.

CHIEF RODRIGUEZ
And you are a loose cannon Snow Day. I've been waiting a long time for this day to come, now get out of my office.

Snow looks down at his badge one last time before flipping it onto the desk.

SNOW
It's funny that you mention that, because there is something I've been waiting a long time for as well.

Snow pulls back and punches the Chief in the nose sending him to the ground. He then turns and walks out of the office.

CHIEF RODRIGUEZ
(yelling)
SNOW DAY!
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INT. BAR. NIGHT

The dank bar is lit with a few flickering florescent lights. The ground is littered with broken bottles and unconscious or dead men. Snow Day stands behind the bar holding a rough looking biker by his black leather jacket.

SNOW
When is the shipment coming in?

BIKER
Hey man, I ain't tellin you nothin.

SNOW
Have it your way. It looks like we've got a weather advisory, things are about to get a little icy.

Snow drags the biker to the ice chest and shoves his head into the ice. The biker begins to kick and flail. Snow pulls him up.

SNOW
Give me the date.

BIKER
No

Snow returns him to the ice, then pulls him out.

SNOW
(yelling)
The date!

BIKER
(teeth chattering)
I, I can't.

Snow moves to put his head back in the ice.

BIKER
Wait! Wait, I'll tell you. Saturday, it's coming Saturday.

SNOW
(menacingly)
What. Time.

BIKER
Midnight.

Snow hits the biker in the stomach and he slouches to the ground. Snow begins to walk out of the bar. The biker sees a sawed-off shotgun under the bar and grabs it. Snow pauses as he hears the biker rack the gun.

BIKER
(screaming)
You son of a...

Snow spins around pulling out his pistol, he shoots the biker before he can get his shot off. The bikers body falls back into the ice chest.

SNOW
Chill out.
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EXT. PARK. NIGHT.

Rain is falling heavily as Snow and a beautiful brunette woman stand beneath a street light. The pair lean in close as they talk.

ALICIA
I'm leaving town tonight Snow, it's not safe for me anymore.

SNOW
Don't say that. I'm close, I can feel it. Stay here, with me, I can keep you safe. Once I put Vandoren away for good we can be together.

ALICIA
You can't stop him, my husband is just too well connected. And he knows about us, if he finds me I'm dead.
[pause]
Come with me Snow, forget about this corrupt city, we can start a new life together. I love you Snow.

Snow pulls her in closer and they kiss. Alicia stares into Snow's eyes for a few seconds.

ALICIA
You aren't coming are you?

SNOW
You know I can't. Listen, you go, be safe. I've got to finish this with Vandoren, but then, I'm coming for you.
---------------------------------------------------
INT. DINER. DAY.

Snow sits at a booth with a thin black man with graying hair and a beat up looking suit and tie.

SNOW
I'm glad you're with me on this Johnny, there is no one else I can trust.

JOHN
Of course man, anything for you.

SNOW
I'll be honest, I didn't think I would get you away from your fishing boat.

JOHN
(laughing)
I didn't think you would either, retirement is really agreeing with me. But truth be told, I miss the excitement. Enough of this, we've got a job to do. You pay for lunch and I'll go get the car.

John leaves the diner, Snow reaches for his wallet as his cell phone rings.

SNOW
Hello?

MAN (os)
Is this Detective Day?

SNOW
It is, who is this.

MAN (os)
I've got a message for you. Senator Vandoren says, "boom."

SNOW
(quietly)
What?

An explosion is heard from outside, followed by screaming.

SNOW
(yelling)
Johnny!!
---------------------------------------------------
EXT. ROOFTOP. NIGHT.

Snow is on his knees on the roof of an abandoned high school, his arms are tied behind his back, he is beaten and bloody. Vandoren paces in front of Snow, hitting him in the stomach with his cane every so often. Snow is frantically trying to cut the rope that holds his hands together.

VANDOREN
You know, I should thank you Detective Day, I'm sorry I mean Mr. Day. Not only did you take out many of my chief competitors, but your rampage through the city today provided the perfect distraction allowing my shipment to arrive unmolested.
(pause)
What's the matter? Where is the patented Snow Day wit I've heard so much about? Where is the pithy comeback?
(pause)
Nothing? Such a pity. As I was saying, you did such a wonderful job for me today that I considered letting you live. However, there is the matter of your little, dalliance with my wife. My wife! Call me old fashion, but there is a little thing called the sanctity of marriage.

SNOW
How, exactly, does me catching you in a hot tub with two outrageously young women fit in with your idea of the sanctity of marriage?

Vandoren hits Snow in the stomach, hard.

VANDOREN
(grinning)
They weren't married.

Vandoren glances at his watch.

VANDOREN
I must say this has been an entertaining evening, unfortunately business must come before pleasure. You see, you were the only one who knew that I forced this school to close so that I could use it too process my heroin supply. And with you out of the way we will finally be open for business.

SNOW
Unfortunately for you, Senator, I see one small problem with you plan.

VANDOREN
Oh yes? And what would that be.

Snow finishes cutting his restraints and jumps up and grabs Vandoren before he is able to react. He walks him to the edge of the roof. As he is pushing him off the roof Snow says:

SNOW
It's a snow day, school's closed.
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1 Check out my attempt at poetry: here
2 Which I have crammed full of as many clichés as I could imagine