On Sciencey Experiments

In which we take a closer look at the mysteries of the world around us.

This all started a couple of days ago at around 5:30 in the morning with a phone call.  It was then that I got an automated message letting me know that school had been cancelled for the day.  I responded appropriately by rolling over and falling back to sleep.

Approximately three hours later I woke back up and looked out the window.  I was shocked to discover that everything had been completely canvased by all of this white stuff.  My first thought was, "I need to pee."  After returning from the bathroom I again looked out the widow and thought, "I hope I don't have to clean all of this up."  It was perplexing that all of this could have appeared over night, did two Columbian airplanes collide overhead, or was a giant space monster preparing to eat our home by covering it in powered sugar¹? There was only one way to find out for sure.  Science!

figure 1

If I remembered anything from the high school chemistry class I took back in 1998² step one was to collect a sample of the subject matter.  I grabbed a glass and in a most sciencey manner I retrieved a sample [fig. 1].  It was grueling work, and cold, but I was careful not to contaminate the specimen.  Once that was completed it was off to collect various instruments of experimentation that I will need to complete this task [fig. 2].  We were in business, or so I thought.

figure 2

Unfortunately, in the time that it took for me to track down all of my instruments some sneaky individual broke into the lab³ and replaced my sample with a glass of water.  How devious!  Fortunately for me the clean up crews had not arrived yet so I was able to obtain another sample without too much trouble.  Here is a rundown of the experiments that I ran.

Experiment #1 - How does the sample react to fire?

figure 3

In case of violent reaction I first cleaned off my work station.  Then I put on appropriate safety gear[fig. 3].  I struck my match and plunged it into the depths of sample.  The fire was extinguished.  This led me to believe that perhaps it was fire retardant chemicals that had been sprayed around town to help combat a possible wildfire.  However, this is an official science-type experimentation so I wasn't going to rest on my laurels.  Onward to experiment #2.  Experiment #1 results: possibly fire retardant chemicals.

Experiment #2 - How is the sample effected by light.

Light is all around us. If there was no light would we even be here?  You wouldn't know because you couldn't see anything.  I grabbed my light making utensil⁴ and let it's light shine down upon the sample.  Unsurprisingly the sample reflected the light back to me.  This let me know that I was not dealing with a black hole.  Which is good, because then we would all be dead.  Experiment #2 results: not a black hole.

Experiment #3 - How does the sample react to cutting.

On the off chance that I had discovered some rare form of white adamantium I wanted to see if it could be cut.  So I pulled out my trusty chopper and went to town on that bad boy.  The sample was less cut and more just moved around by the blade.  This did not answer my question so I began to detail a plan to capture a short, surly Canadian just in case I wanted to start my own team of mutant superheroes.  Experiment #3 results: inconclusive.

Experiment #4 - How does the sample react to intense energy.

I had one final experiment that I wished to perform.  It would certainly be the most dangerous yet.  I was going to see if this mysterious substance could withstand the most powerful creation in the history of mankind. The microwave oven.  I placed the sample in the microwave and set it to run on high for one minute.  Then I hid around a corner to protect myself.  When the microwave beeped I returned to find that the sample had become water.  I was intrigued, what could water have to do with this mystery substance.  I knew that more research was needed.  Experiment #4 results: sample becomes water when microwaved.

At this point I was out of options for things I could do on my own.  I needed to seek out the help of wiser men and women.  I needed someone who could help me understand in a way that was both easy to comprehend and yet somewhat condescending at the same time.  In short, I needed help from the British.  Here is what I found.


So there you have it.  Apparently this white stuff is called "snow."  And it is used primarily for entertainment.  I'm glad I got that figured out.  Now I can get on to more important things, such as: what are birds?
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¹ I'd eat it.
² I don't.
³ read: kitchen
⁴ read: flashlight