On Updating Classics With Explosive Results

In which we make movies you know and love much more extreme and badass.


Preamble: For the second week in a row my blog post is the result of reading Sarah's blog, though this time it is more the product of a discussion we were having in her comments section. Therefore, I have decreed Sarah's blog to be the official muse for my insanity¹.

I've seen a lot of movies. Good movies, bad movies, memorable movies, and some that are totally forgettable². If there is one thing I've learned from decades of movie watching it's that you can make a good movie great and a bad movie better simply by adding one important thing. Explosions. The more the better.

In film there are a few ways that a character can respond to an explosive situation.

1. Be a dingus, get blow'd up.
2. Run away from the blast, look like an idiot.
3. Run away from the blast, jump at the last second, look badass.
4. Walk away from the explosion, never look back 'cause you planned that shit, look like a certified badass.

Some musical context:

Here are some movies that would be vastly improved with some epic explosions.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II (2011)

HP, Ronnie the Bear, and the Wretched Harmony³ discover that Nagini isn't actually one of Voldemort's horcruxes (twist!) but instead that last horcrux is Hogwarts itself (double twist!). The gang seeks out the aide of Aldous Bowerstone professor of the Explosive Arts (played by Tom Cruise). Professor Bowerstone and Ronnie the Bear sneak deep into Hogwarts and place time delayed explosive enchantments all around the heart of the august and venerated building. They start their long trek out, with plenty of time to spare, when suddenly Jimmy the deatheater jumps around the corner and starts battling them. Jimmy manages to disarm Professor Bowerstone and turns his attention to Ronnie. Unfortunately for Jimmy he's dealing with Ronnie the Effing Bear, Ronnie scoops up Bowerstone's wand and, jumping through the air, fires off two sweet shots simultaneously to knock Jimmy out. Ronnie and Bowerstone start again to leave Hogwarts, when suddenly Bowerstone's magical countdown lets them know the are running out of time. They begin to run (which is why Cruise was cast, because he such an elegant runner) as explosions begin deep in the bowels of Hogwarts, they approach the edge of the school just as the explosions reach them so they jump with all their might, riding the shock wave to safety. Harmony runs up, jumps in Ronnie's arms and totally snogs him, because he is so badass. [scene]

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Option 1:

The warden pulls down Andy's poster revealing the hole in the wall, Red slips into his voice over and montage of Andy's escape, though in a slightly different order.


[Interior pipe: Andy crawling through pipes toward camera]

Red

Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want to.

[exterior Shawshank, raining: Andy emerges from pipe]

Five hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile. 

[exterior Shawshank, raining: Andy walks downstream, removing dirty clothes. Music builds]

Oh, Andy loved geology. I imagine it appealed to his meticulous nature. An ice age here, million years of mountain building there. Geology is the study of pressure and time. That's all it takes really, pressure, and time. 

[exterior Shawshank, raining: Andy, shirtless, pullsout detonator and presses button]

That, and a big goddamn explosion. 

[exterior Shawshank, raining: Andy walks casually towards camera like a total badass, cue explosion in background]


Cut back to warden in cell, pull back through hole and reveal wreckage that was the east wing of Shawshank.
[scene]


Option 2:

Red meets with the parole board for the final time. They ask if he feels he is rehabilitated. The dialogue remains the same as in the original, the head of the board stamps his stamp freeing Red.

Cut to:
[exterior Shawshank main gates, Red walks slowly away from gates, pulls small item out of suit coat] 

Red

Rehabilitate this...

[exterior Shawshank main gates, Red pushes button (cue explosion) and continues to walk towards the camera like a badass as Shawshank is destroyed]

[scene]

Steamboat Willie (1928)

Here's the original, if you've never seen it:

If you didn't watch it I'll bring you up to speed. Micky Mouse is a true freak. He rams a pitchfork down a cows stomach, creepily snakes a hook through his girlfriends underpants to sneak her onboard, then abuses farm animals for his musical enjoyment. Finally, Captain Pete is fed up with Micky's debauchery and forces him to peel potatoes while a parrot mocks him. The end.

Make it better? Okay.

Micky, who has been ordered to peel potatoes, is fed up with Pete pushing him around, and that stupid parrot laughing at him. Also, he is worried that his girlfriend is now alone with such a hulking adonis, so he hatches a scheme to get his revenge. In the midst of the potato pile he hides a short fuse explosive device. He runs through the door, jump kicking Pete in the back of the head as he is chatting up Minnie. He grabs Minnie's hand and they make a run for the back of the boat. Just as the boat explodes they leap from the gunwale and the blast pushes them to safety. They swim to the shore as the burning wreckage sinks to the bottom of the river. Minnie turns to Micky and says, "You are such a badass, let's make out." And they do. [fin]


The Graduate (1967)


In undergrad I took a film class. One of our assigned movies was The Graduate, it's on a lot of "top movies of all time" lists. I, however, was bored out of my gourd. It was not an enjoyable film experience⁴. However, there are some incredibly iconic moments to be found, none more so than the ending of the film where Dustin Hoffman runs to interrupt the wedding of the girl he loves. He bangs on a giant window from the balcony while screaming her name. She runs to him and they fight off the families and escape the church, hopping on the first bus that passes. Once they are on the bus their smiles fade and "The Sounds of Silence" plays. This is meant to imply that while they escaped the paths laid out for them they aren't very sure of the new direction they are headed.

Maybe I would have enjoyed the movie more if, instead of running from the church Ben and Elaine causally walk away. Elaine pulls out a detonator (gender twist!) and blows up the whole damn church. When they reach the street Ben turns to her and says, "You are such a badass" and then makes out with her⁵. They hop into a convertible and drive into the sunset as Black Sabbath, or something equally are guitar heavy, plays incredibly loudly. [the end]

Someone get the president of Hollywood on the phone, I've got some ideas.

[scene]
__________________________________________________________
¹ In fact, I've created a new label so I can track which posts her blog inspired.
² I'd list some, but I can't remember their names. Hey-oh!
³ Google search (or Youtube search) "Wizard People, Dear Reader"
⁴ In all fairness, I was an idiot 20 year old
⁵ Because being a certified badass knows no gender boundaries, just ask Ginny Weasley