On the Life and Legacy of Wendell Winkles

In which a quest undertaken leads unexpected places.

Mr. Wendell Winkles¹ awoke with a start.  He leapt from his bed and muttered to himself, "I need a fish."  This thought quickly left his mind as he looked down and realized that he was stark naked; which he found odd given that he had gone to bed in a flannel onesie.  He walked to his closet to find something to wear.  Would it be the black with green dots, the blue with red squares, or the brown with white stripes?  Wendell Winkles stood starring listlessly into the closet unable to decide when a massive shiver shook his paunchy, wrinkly body.  His hand shot into the closet and retrieved the first object that it touched.  Mr. Winkles wrapped the blue and red burlap cloak² around his body and strode out of the smallish room through his living nook and out the front door to retrieve his mid-day paper.

"I need a fish!" Wendell screamed to the heavens.  The sunlight shimmered off of his blondish-black stubble, "I need a fish," he bellowed again.  His neighbors looked at him with question marks in their eyes³.  Old Mrs. Zanklebabner walked over to where Wendell Winkles stood gazing at the noon day sun, mouth agape, breathing heavily.

"Are you alright, deary?" She asked softly.

Wendell's head snapped down and met her eye-line, crazy juice⁴ pouring from his nose and mouth.  His eyes widened as he screamed in the poor old woman's face, "I need a fish," and then took off running down the street as fast as he could go, all the time screaming, "I need a fish.  I need a fish."  Every thirty feet or so the screaming would stop as Mr. Winkles would pause and ever so calmly adjust his cloak and tighten his sash so as not to expose himself to the people he was running past.  Why no one suggested to him to simply double knot his sash is a mystery to this day⁵.

The screaming continued as the frantic Mr. Winkles entered the park.  He made a bee line straight for the large pond at the park's center.  After scaling the large boulder at waters edge he screamed one final time, "I need a fish," before belly flopping into the pond and swimming to the bottom.  Minutes passed and still Wendell did not emerge from the putrid waters, a crowd slowly gathered around the shore.  Suddenly, Mr. Winkles' blue and red cloak floated to the surface.  Quincy Adam Johnson, park ranger, family man, and three time grand champion of the Ologokie County Costume Contest⁶, approached the crowd and asked them what was going on.

"A man jumped into the pond and hasn't come up," a young mother of 3.14 kids⁷ said.

Ranger Johnson sighed and sat down to remove his boots when he heard a rustle in the bushes near the water followed by a giggle.  He approached the bushes with caution, pushing his way through the foliage.  When he reached a clearing he saw a single shaft of light illuminating the glistening, well known and somewhat controversial⁸ back hair of Wendell Winkle.

"Wendell, what are you doing out here?" Ranger Johnson asked.

Wendell's head turned, grinning he said, "I have a fish."

He raised his arms and proudly showed his prize.  In his hands was a slightly moistened and severely agitated squirrel.  The squirrel bit Wendell's thumb and scampered into the underbrush.  Wendell stood up and turned to Ranger Johnson.

"Balls."

Ranger Johnson looked at the very nude, still wet behemoth and simply remarked, "Indeed."

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¹ Of the Kansas City^A Winkles.
² The very same style of cloak that Minowag the VII Sovereign Mountebank of Greater Thanperia wore at his coronation ceremony.
³ All except crazy, old Tommy "Raven Hater" Billingham, who had no eyes^B.
⁴ Snot and drool.
⁵ Though some scholars contend that onlookers may have been temporarily hypnotized by the giggling fat, why others postulate that people were to busy mentally preparing themselves for the seemingly inevitable, yet entirely accidental, dong viewing.
⁶ For his first-rate portrayal of Lando Calrissian.
⁷ Don't ask.
⁸ For years there has been a debate amongst the townspeople about what Wendell's back hair looked like. Some said it appeared to be shaped like an albatross fighting a gazelle, while others saw a mermaid riding a mastodon.

^A That would be the Kansas City Kansas Winkles not the Kansas City Missouri Winkles.
^B Because a raven pecked them out.

On the Fun Frolic

In which adventures are had, and a good friend is remembered.

Every year in Bloomington there is a carnival that comes to town called the Fun Frolic, which is designed to raise money for Big Brothers Big Sisters and IU Child Care Centers. According to the internet it has been offering family-friendly fun since 1957, that's a lot of fun. I would hazard a guess that most people don't know what the Fun Frolic is for. Well, I take that back, people know what it's for, they just don't think it's for those organizations.

What is it for? That's easy, delicious fried food that will probably kill you one day, blood-tingling thrillrides that will probably kill you one day, and creepster, dirtball carnies that will probably kill you one day.

A long time ago I enjoyed going to events like the Fun Frolic for the rides, buying tickets and hopping on rusted out deathtraps was always exciting. My favorites were the Scramber and the Gravatron. These rides no longer hold the excitement that they once did, which is too bad. Because really there is not much of a reason to go if not for the rides.

The other big attraction is the ability to have your money stolen from you in a game of "chance" that is usually so rigged that you will never win anything good, and anything you do win anything it is not worth anywhere near the amount that you spent on the games and as soon as you get home you will stare all the crap you accumulated and think, "What in the world will I do with all this rubbish?"

There is, however, one game that you will almost always win and that can even lead to a new best friend. That game is the ping-pong ball toss. You remember that game, you throw a ping-pong ball at a fish bowl and if it land in you win a goldfish. Hooray!!

A couple of years back my friend Seth Rowe accomplished this very feat. And so Seth and I made a new friend. He was awesome, but then he died. This was 7 years ago. In remembrance of our good friend Dougie I am going to share with you something special. Enjoy.

Dougie, friend and darn good fish

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By Your Mom
Independent Reporting
Originally published July 14, 2003
Dougie, a fish in good standing, died Monday of fish related complications, in his bowl in Apartment 16. He was estimated to be a few weeks old.
Dougie was born and raised in the place where the Fun Frolic carnies gets their fish, he grew up swimming a lot with neighborhood fish, nurturing a passion for the sport and turning it into a supplemental profession as his job as chief fish of the apartment.
"Swimming was his life, it was all he had," said Dougie’s Mom, his mother.
Dougie left the place the Fun Frolic carnies gets their fish shortly after being born in an attempt to try his luck at being a professional pet.
A few days later Seth Rowe threw a ping-pong ball into a fish bowl and Dougie’s dream became a reality. That night Dougie joined Seth, and his roommate Josh Milligan, at their apartment, where he worked for a couple of days swimming and eating. He did absolutely nothing else, because he was a fish.
“He seemed energetic when I came home from work,” said Josh Milligan, co-owner, “but half an hour later he was floating face up in the water.”
The time of death is estimated to be between 6 and 7pm, an autopsy could be performed to find the actual time and cause of death. However, given that he is a fish experts claim that cutting into him will do more harm then good. These experts are now having their credentials checked.
Dougie touched the lives of all those who met him, and even some of those who didn’t.
When asked what she thought about Dougie Lauren Zaczek, a friend, said, “He was a soldier.”
While he had no known children of his own Dougie’s memory will live on in the heart and minds of his friends.
Visitations will be held at Apartment 16 until his remains are removed. A memorial service will be held when both Seth and Josh are present in Bloomington at the same time.
In addition to his mother, Dougie is presumed to be survived copious amounts of other fish.
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Dougie Haines, swimming in heaven.