On Updating Classics With Explosive Results

In which we make movies you know and love much more extreme and badass.


Preamble: For the second week in a row my blog post is the result of reading Sarah's blog, though this time it is more the product of a discussion we were having in her comments section. Therefore, I have decreed Sarah's blog to be the official muse for my insanity¹.

I've seen a lot of movies. Good movies, bad movies, memorable movies, and some that are totally forgettable². If there is one thing I've learned from decades of movie watching it's that you can make a good movie great and a bad movie better simply by adding one important thing. Explosions. The more the better.

In film there are a few ways that a character can respond to an explosive situation.

1. Be a dingus, get blow'd up.
2. Run away from the blast, look like an idiot.
3. Run away from the blast, jump at the last second, look badass.
4. Walk away from the explosion, never look back 'cause you planned that shit, look like a certified badass.

Some musical context:

Here are some movies that would be vastly improved with some epic explosions.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part II (2011)

HP, Ronnie the Bear, and the Wretched Harmony³ discover that Nagini isn't actually one of Voldemort's horcruxes (twist!) but instead that last horcrux is Hogwarts itself (double twist!). The gang seeks out the aide of Aldous Bowerstone professor of the Explosive Arts (played by Tom Cruise). Professor Bowerstone and Ronnie the Bear sneak deep into Hogwarts and place time delayed explosive enchantments all around the heart of the august and venerated building. They start their long trek out, with plenty of time to spare, when suddenly Jimmy the deatheater jumps around the corner and starts battling them. Jimmy manages to disarm Professor Bowerstone and turns his attention to Ronnie. Unfortunately for Jimmy he's dealing with Ronnie the Effing Bear, Ronnie scoops up Bowerstone's wand and, jumping through the air, fires off two sweet shots simultaneously to knock Jimmy out. Ronnie and Bowerstone start again to leave Hogwarts, when suddenly Bowerstone's magical countdown lets them know the are running out of time. They begin to run (which is why Cruise was cast, because he such an elegant runner) as explosions begin deep in the bowels of Hogwarts, they approach the edge of the school just as the explosions reach them so they jump with all their might, riding the shock wave to safety. Harmony runs up, jumps in Ronnie's arms and totally snogs him, because he is so badass. [scene]

The Shawshank Redemption (1994)

Option 1:

The warden pulls down Andy's poster revealing the hole in the wall, Red slips into his voice over and montage of Andy's escape, though in a slightly different order.


[Interior pipe: Andy crawling through pipes toward camera]

Red

Andy crawled to freedom through five hundred yards of shit smelling foulness I can't even imagine, or maybe I just don't want to.

[exterior Shawshank, raining: Andy emerges from pipe]

Five hundred yards... that's the length of five football fields, just shy of half a mile. 

[exterior Shawshank, raining: Andy walks downstream, removing dirty clothes. Music builds]

Oh, Andy loved geology. I imagine it appealed to his meticulous nature. An ice age here, million years of mountain building there. Geology is the study of pressure and time. That's all it takes really, pressure, and time. 

[exterior Shawshank, raining: Andy, shirtless, pullsout detonator and presses button]

That, and a big goddamn explosion. 

[exterior Shawshank, raining: Andy walks casually towards camera like a total badass, cue explosion in background]


Cut back to warden in cell, pull back through hole and reveal wreckage that was the east wing of Shawshank.
[scene]


Option 2:

Red meets with the parole board for the final time. They ask if he feels he is rehabilitated. The dialogue remains the same as in the original, the head of the board stamps his stamp freeing Red.

Cut to:
[exterior Shawshank main gates, Red walks slowly away from gates, pulls small item out of suit coat] 

Red

Rehabilitate this...

[exterior Shawshank main gates, Red pushes button (cue explosion) and continues to walk towards the camera like a badass as Shawshank is destroyed]

[scene]

Steamboat Willie (1928)

Here's the original, if you've never seen it:

If you didn't watch it I'll bring you up to speed. Micky Mouse is a true freak. He rams a pitchfork down a cows stomach, creepily snakes a hook through his girlfriends underpants to sneak her onboard, then abuses farm animals for his musical enjoyment. Finally, Captain Pete is fed up with Micky's debauchery and forces him to peel potatoes while a parrot mocks him. The end.

Make it better? Okay.

Micky, who has been ordered to peel potatoes, is fed up with Pete pushing him around, and that stupid parrot laughing at him. Also, he is worried that his girlfriend is now alone with such a hulking adonis, so he hatches a scheme to get his revenge. In the midst of the potato pile he hides a short fuse explosive device. He runs through the door, jump kicking Pete in the back of the head as he is chatting up Minnie. He grabs Minnie's hand and they make a run for the back of the boat. Just as the boat explodes they leap from the gunwale and the blast pushes them to safety. They swim to the shore as the burning wreckage sinks to the bottom of the river. Minnie turns to Micky and says, "You are such a badass, let's make out." And they do. [fin]


The Graduate (1967)


In undergrad I took a film class. One of our assigned movies was The Graduate, it's on a lot of "top movies of all time" lists. I, however, was bored out of my gourd. It was not an enjoyable film experience⁴. However, there are some incredibly iconic moments to be found, none more so than the ending of the film where Dustin Hoffman runs to interrupt the wedding of the girl he loves. He bangs on a giant window from the balcony while screaming her name. She runs to him and they fight off the families and escape the church, hopping on the first bus that passes. Once they are on the bus their smiles fade and "The Sounds of Silence" plays. This is meant to imply that while they escaped the paths laid out for them they aren't very sure of the new direction they are headed.

Maybe I would have enjoyed the movie more if, instead of running from the church Ben and Elaine causally walk away. Elaine pulls out a detonator (gender twist!) and blows up the whole damn church. When they reach the street Ben turns to her and says, "You are such a badass" and then makes out with her⁵. They hop into a convertible and drive into the sunset as Black Sabbath, or something equally are guitar heavy, plays incredibly loudly. [the end]

Someone get the president of Hollywood on the phone, I've got some ideas.

[scene]
__________________________________________________________
¹ In fact, I've created a new label so I can track which posts her blog inspired.
² I'd list some, but I can't remember their names. Hey-oh!
³ Google search (or Youtube search) "Wizard People, Dear Reader"
⁴ In all fairness, I was an idiot 20 year old
⁵ Because being a certified badass knows no gender boundaries, just ask Ginny Weasley

On Top Fives, Part II

In which a list is completed, a task finished, and readers that know me may find themselves surprised.

 Welcome to part two of top fives.  What an odd sentence.  Anyway, back to finish this list up, which, in all honesty, has become a lot bigger than I originally invisioned.  Oh well, hopefully the five of you that read this have enjoyed it, if you missed part one check out the end of the paragraph.  Please note, most of the items on these lists are not in a particular order (with the exception of Shawshank, East of Eden, and The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay)

Books:

4) American Gods (2001) - Written by Neil Gaiman (who wrote Stardust, Coraline, and Sandman) this book follows protagonist Shadow after he is released from prison.  Once arriving home Shadow meets up with the mysterious Mr. Wednesday, who offers him a job.  The book follows Shadow as he travels around the county helping Mr. Wednesday along the way.  We learn, along with Shadow, that our world is populated by gods, any god that has ever been worshiped in America has appeared on earth and survives only based on what belief there is in them.  This book appealed to me mainly because of my religious studies background, there are a lot of interesting 'religious¹' figures that pop up throughout the book, but also because it is a very intriguing story.  It's a quick read, not too dense, but I highly recommend it.

5) Lamb (2002) - I went back and forth over what book to have in my fifth spot.  There wasn't one that immeadiately jumped out at me.  Finally I settled on Lamb, or as the whole title reads: Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ's Childhood Pal.  This is a book written from the perspective of Jesus best friend growing up Biff, and the adventures they shared.  The majority of the story fills in the time before Jesus arrives on the scene at 30, we follow Biff and Jesus as they travel east to find the three wise men.  The best adjective for this book is irreverent.  But it is also hilarious.  We learn that God sounds a lot like James Earl Jones, that Jesus said "knock and the door will be opened to you" because he was forced to wait outside of a monastary for days on end, and that the disciples weren't always the brightest bulbs (okay that you can get from the Bible itself).  So fare warning, if you lack a sense of humor about your faith don't read this book, you will most likely come away from it very offended.  But if you want to read a funny work of fiction and may force you to think more about what Jesus was like when he was a boy, or just hanging out, then give Lamb a look.

Television:

1) Futurama (1999-2003/2007-Present)  I didn't enjoy Futurama when I first watched it.  I was a Simpsons fan when it started and I never really gave it a chance (which was dumb because it is made by the same people).  Years later, during the "Summer of Seth & Josh" I got in the habit of watching reruns on Cartoon Network's [adultswim].  Suddenly it was as if my eyes had been opened for the first time.  Here was a show that had layers of jokes, from very simply physical humor, to deeper more thought-out, to jokes that I only know about because they talk about them in the commentary.  When people tell me that they don't enjoy Futurama it is almost certainly because they haven't really given it enough time yet, this is a show that will grow on you (which you will find to be a theme for many of the shows on the list).  To sum up, there are two positions that I will not waiver from.  A of all, if you watch the episodes "The Luck of the Fryrish" or "Jurassic Bark" and at the very least don't have tears form in your eyes you are a soulless monster.  B of all, Futurama is much, much, much funnier than Family Guy could ever hope to be, if you don't agree then you either don't have a sense of humor, or, more likely, you suffered a traumatic brain injury (okay maybe that's not more likely).  In conclusion, Futurama is intelligent and hilarious, Family Guy is simplistic rubbish.

2) Arrested Development (2003-2006) - What's it all about, lucky for us they start every episode telling you.  "Narrator: Now the story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together. It's Arrested Development."  Arrested Development is sitcom that follows the dysfunctional, once wealthy, Bluth family in a pseudo-documentary² style.  Much like Futurama I didn't really discover this show until it was almost off the air.  Also, like Futurama, this is a show that rewards viewers that stick with it. There are call back jokes and inside jokes aplenty.  This is a show that I can watch over an over again and laugh every time.  If you want to check it out you are in luck, Hulu has the entire first season online for free.  And as a special gift to you dear reader:


3) Band of Brothers (2001) - Do you remember the first time you watched the Normandy Beach scene in Saving Private Ryan?  How big it all was?  The sheer amount of work, and people, and pyrotechnics that when into it, and the rest of the movie, was mind boggling to me.  By the third episode of Band of Brother (a ten episode mini-series) the special effects department had used more pyrotechnics than in the entire movie.  Band of Brother follows the exploits of a company of para-troopers from their training before Normandy through the end of the war.  Over time we see them grow closer together, rely on one another, fight with one another, and mourn for one another.  Also, the show introduced me to Major Richard Winters, who is joining Ginny Weasley in my certified bad-ass club³.

4) Chuck (2007-Present) - You have no idea how excited I am that I get to write "present" instead of "2009" in those parentheses.  Chuck came very close to being canceled last season, the blame for this falls squarely on the shoulders of NBC and Jay Leno, fortunately fans of the show wrote letters to the network and show sponsors calling for its return.  Here is the premise of the show, Chuck Bartowski is forced into the world of espionage when he unwittingly opens a computer files that embeds the NSA and CIA's spy secrets into Chuck's brain.  A CIA and a NSA operative are sent to protect Chuck, and as often happens in televison show, wacky hijinks ensue.  Now I can hear your eye's rolling from here, I know that the idea is very absurd.  But think about all the other shows out there for a moment and you will realize that most shows have very flimsy ideas behind them; it's what you do with the stories and character that make lasting shows.  And in that realm Chuck has few equals, especially when it comes to the supporting cast, all of whom show incredible depth.  The third season won't start until after the new year, so there is still time for you to get caught up.  Go out and get the first season DVD and watch it and I gaurantee you will be hooked⁴.  *Important addendum: Chuck has been slated to return for it's third season on Sunday January 10th, there will be two back-to-back episodes and then one on it's regular time Monday at 8:00.

5) The Venture Brothers (2003-Present) - You want to talk about a ridiculous premise then look no further than The Venture Brothers.  What if Jonny Quest grew up, how would he deal with the pressures of being his father's son?  Or deal with all the traumatic situations that he dealt with as a kid?  That is basically what The Venture Brothers is all about.
Rusty Venture is a failed "super-scientist" who is trying to raise his two teenaged sons (one of whom dressed like Fred from Scooby Doo) Hank and Dean, along with their bodyguard Brock.  This show lives in the ridiculous, it thrives in it.  And because of that is unbelievably funny.  Also, it throws pop culture references around like it's its job.  Examples: Jonny Quest, Scooby Doo, The 6 Million Dollar Man, Voltron, Sasquatch, 2001 A Space Odyessy, David Bowie songs, The Fantastic Four.  This show is over the top, vulgar, violent at times, certainly not for children, but man do I laugh when I watch it.

So here we are at the end of the lists.  I am sure that there are those of you out there that were surprised, especially when it came to the TV list⁵.  Hopefully none of you are offended by what made the list or didn't.  And if you are offended I would ask you kindly to get over it.  Most of all though, I hope that if there are things on this list that you have never seen or read or heard of that you would take some time to check them out, because I do think they are all worth the time.  Stories are important to me, and a well told story is a rare thing these days, but I feel like all 15 of these books, movies, or shows do just that.

Also, I'd love to hear about your top fives, so leave a comment below.
_______________________________________________________________
¹Religious is in quotes here because the characters aren't the normal religious figures you may expect, some examples include: Anansi, Czernobog, Anubis, Eostre, Odin, even a leprechaun.
²Thanks Wikipedia 
³Both gingers, if you can believe it.
⁴Gaurentee void everywhere.
⁵TV shows just missing the cut off include: SportsNight, The Simpsons, 24, Firefly, Studio 60, 30 Rock

On Immersing Myself Into the World of Literature

In which blogging re-commences and book reading is discussed at length.

So apparently I fell into the black hole of not writing that many bloggers find themselves in. After the move I was without internet, and without any type of idea or motivation to write. But fear not, I have returned, hopefully on a more consistent basis. And what, you may be asking, leads me to believe that I can write more consistently now than I had been? Well my job plays into that factor quite a bit. When last we met, which is to say when I last wrote anything, I was looking for a job. Well, I eventually found one. I am the in-school suspension room monitor for Jackson Creek Middle School here in Bloomington. What does that mean? That means that I hang out with kids who have gotten in trouble and are in in-school suspension or lunch detention. It also means that I have a lot of free time because the students just hang out and work on their homework that they have. Is this a job I am excited about? No. Is this a job that I am looking forward to having long term? No. Is this a job befitting of someone with a Masters degree? Well, maybe a philosophy major or something. However, it is a job that gets me in the school system working with students and administrator, and it pays the bills. It also means that I have time to write this blog more consistently (see I'm bringing it back around). But more than anything else I spend most of my time reading. Like a stupid amount of time reading.

As I was sitting here today I started thinking about blogging again, and figured that I could talk about some of the books that I have been reading. So far I have had this job for six weeks. During that time I have read: Timeline (Michael Crichton), Angels and Demons (Dan Brown), The Chamber of Secrets (J.K. Rowling), The Prisoner of Azkaban (J.K. Rowling), The Goblet of Fire (J.K. Rowling), The Order of the Phoenix (J.K. Rowling), The Half-Blood Prince (J.K. Rowling), The Deathly Hollows (J.K. Rowling), The Relic (Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child), Genesis (Bernard Beckett), Out of Sight (Elmore Leonard), The Blessing Way (Tony Hillerman), Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (Jane Austin & Seth Grahame-Smith). So that's thirteen books, although I am still working on the last two on the list. It has been neat to have the freedom to read so much. I figured that I would spend a little bit of time talking about some of these books.

Angels and Demons is a book that I wouldn't have read if it wasn't on my roomate's bookshelf. I got The Da Vinci Code for Christmas a few years ago and thought that it was terrible. It was extremely cheesy writing that was very predictable and disappointing that it was on the best sellers list for so long when so many good books go unread. I thought that, even though it was all fiction, Dan Brown made a lot of leap with his theories about Jesus that it became absurd. So it is safe to say that my expectations were remarkably low for Angels and Demons, and when all is said and done it was an enjoyable read. It was a generally compelling mystery and I had a fun time reading it. It certainly wasn't great literature, but then I don't think that is the type of book he was going for and I'm all right with that. He did a much better job of giving an even handed view of the church than in The Da Vinci Code, which I appreciated. Although the book still telegraphed it's plot twists pretty clearly. I would give this book a B if I was grading it. So if you are looking for something quick and easy to read check it out.

I also read six of the seven Harry Potter books. There is not much to say that hasn't been written about these books already. But here are some thoughts anyway. I enjoyed them a lot more than I thought that I would. I have seen all the movies but never had read the books. I enjoyed the books more as they went along, and appreciated that The Half-Blood Prince was more than just relationship nonsense like the movie was. Here are the top five things I learned from reading these books:

5) I enjoyed the last book the most, probably because it was the only one that I didn't know what was going to happen.
4) When I would g-chat with people in the midst of reading I would have to make a conscious effort not to use words like "prat."
3) Harry Potter is a huge prat.
2) Most of the supporting characters were more interesting and likable than Harry, Ron and Hermione.
1) Ginny Weasley is a certified bad-ass and was woefully underused in the seventh book.

Last thing. I am currently reading Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. It is interesting how the author incorporates new text in with the old. However, there is still a whole lot of Jane Austin so I am thinking about giving it up. Otherwise I am likely to fall asleep at work, and that probably wouldn't be good.

Any book suggestions for me?