It should be no surprise to you that I enjoy watching movies. One of my favorite things to do is to watch a good movie with a group of friends that leads to a great discussion afterwards. But beyond that I just enjoy the act of watching a movie, I’m something of an anomaly in that I greatly appreciate well made movies and movies that challenge me to think1, but in the same breath I enjoy stupid mindless movies that exist only to entertain2. I will even go as far as to gloss over the rough parts of a movie if it is able to captivating enough.
A number of years ago my roommate at the time, Adam, and I decided we were going to watch a movie that started with every letter of the alphabet, in order. We didn’t make it very far; I think we got to “C” or “D” maybe. But it was an interesting way to go about watching movies, and is something that I would like to try again some time. Since then I have thought about what other “movie themes” I could come up with. Watching a series of Oscar winners, or multiple remakes of the same story, or even watching movies Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon style3 all came to mind. But the most fleshed out idea, and the one that is the most intriguing, is watching a movie that corresponds to every war in American history.
Some of the most classic movies, and most entertain movies, are those based around wars. So would it be possible to watch a movie for every war? I decided to investigate the situation. First I had to decide what would be considered a “war,” which ended up being a tougher concept than I thought. So I after some deep consideration this is the list I came up with:
French and Indian War
American Revolution
The War of 1812
The Civil War
The Spanish-American War
World War 1
World War 2
The Korean War
Vietnam War
The Cold War
Desert Storm
Iraqi Freedom
The next question was a two-parter. Part the first; is there a movie about every war? Part B; have I seen any of said movies? I decided that if there was no movie option that I would make one up. And if there was a movie I had seen for a war I was obligated to choose it over one that I hadn’t4. Some categories will offer a first choice and an alternate as well.
The French and Indian War (1754-1763) – The Last of the Mohicans (1993)
- A white guy, who thinks he is a Mohican and is not named Natty Bumppo, falls in love with a stuck up English bird, who may or may not travel through time with Bruce Willis, in the middle of a war between the French and the British. There is a lot of running through the woods5, jumping through waterfalls, making the British look stupid, and no matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you.
The Revolutionary War (1775-1783) – The Patriot (2000)
- This time the British have gone too far. The people have had enough, the votes are in, and it’s time to show those limey dastards what we’re made of. And there is only one man for the job. William Wallace, along with his son the Joker, face-off against Lucius Malfoy6, for control of the colonies, and the world will never be the same again. Blood! Excitement! Shooting stuff! Family drama! Inappropriately low-cut, rack-enhancing, colonial dresses! The Patriot!
The War of 1812 (1812) – n/a
- There isn’t a movie about the War of 1812. A good deal of the fighting took place in what was then the “northwest territories” which is now known as Indiana, Ohio and Michigan. That would be a cool setting for a movie, mainly because that is where I live. One thing the movie would have to have is Andrew Jackson getting punched in the face. Don’t get me wrong, he did an amazing job in the battle of New Orleans. But he was still a racist douche.
The Civil War (1861-1865) – Glory (1989)
- Ferris Bueller is the commander of the first all-black company of U.S. volunteers in the Civil War. With a little help from his friend Robin Hood, Ferris overcomes adversity and self-doubt to lead a squad of brave men made up of, among others, Malcom X, God, and another guy you would totally recognize but couldn’t name any of the other characters he’s played7. I watched this in US history during our Civil War lesson so you know it has to be educational.
The Spanish American War (1898) – n/a
- This war, known mainly for Teddy Roosevelt and his Rough Riders and for the sinking of the USS Maine, hasn’t had a film about it since 1936. Though the first war movie ever made, Tearing Down the Spanish Flag, was about the Spanish American War. It came out in 1898, which is the year the war happened, that’s nutty. If I was going to make a movie it would be based on Elmore Leonard’s Cuba Libre, what’s not to love about a war movie that involves cowboys, gun running, shootouts, bank robberies, and fast-talking, quick-witted protagonists? Nothing is the answer.
World War I (1914-1918) – Flyboys (2006)
- I actually haven’t seen this movie all the way through. I started watching it with my dad and sister over Christmas break but couldn’t stay for the whole thing. Though the little I saw I enjoyed and they both said it was good. Also, it stars James Franco, which is a good thing. So I guess it wins by default…for now.
World War II (1938-1945) – Saving Private Ryan (1998)
- Ready for this? Forrest Gump, after surviving the invasion of Normandy, commands a crack squad made up of: Riddick, Phoebe’s brother, Chandler’s psychotic roommate, Dale Earnhardt, Daniel Faraday, generic gruff guy, and Ed Burns, with one mission. Save good Will Hunting. Along the way they run into, meet, or otherwise have their lives affected by: One of the three men with a baby, Santa Claus, Mal Reynolds, Malcolm in the Middle’s dad, the guy the killed the prostitute for the “lust” killing in Se7en, Gerry Bertier, and an ex-cop turned actor who almost always plays cops. A little known fact is that by saving Private Ryan, the squad inadvertently caused cancer…whoops8.
- WWII Alternate – U-571 (2000) – What’s long, and hard, and full of seamen? Grow up you perv, it’s a submarine. And that is exactly what this movie is about, crank up the bass for the depth charge scene that will have you on the edge of your seat. Or just watch it to see Bon Jovi get his head cut off (don’t blink or you will miss it).
The Korean War (1950-1953) – MASH (1970)
- I’ve never actually seen this movie, I think it’s based off that one TV show…After-MASH9? Maybe I should check it out so I can see Jack Bauer’s dad hanging out with Ross and Monica’s dad and Robert E. Lee all joking about death and stuff.
The Vietnam War (1959-1975) – We Were Soldiers (2002)
- War movie all-stars alert. William Wallace returns to battle and brings Bruce Willis’ time traveling girlfriend with him, he also gets to hang out with Gerry Bertier and Dale Earnhardt. And while they were at it they threw in Felicity and one of Stifler’s friends. This movie portrays one of America's first battles in Vietnam and is probably the most intense, and violent movies on the list. But then Vietnam was one of the most intense and violent wars we were in, so I guess it works.
The Cold War (1945-1991) – Top Gun (1986)
- Ethan Hunt and his co-pilot Dr. Mark Greene want to be the best of the best of the best. Unfortunately Batman is standing in their way, but so are Ethan’s reckless attitude, daddy issues, and super hot girlfriend/instructor. But don’t worry Michael Ironside’s super gravelly voice and some sand volleyball in blue jeans will help smooth things out. As long as no one breaks their neck I’m sure everything will work out just fine. Oh yeah, Sleepless in Seattle shows up too.
- Cold War Alternate – Spy Game (2001) – Watch Bob Whitaker10 recruit, train, work with, repulse and attempt to save Tyler Durden in this movie the travels through a variety of theaters from the Vietnam War all the way up to China at the end of the cold war. This is a movie that I can rewatch time and again. It's pretty rad.
The Gulf War 1 (1990-1991) – Three Kings (1999)
- Marky Mark, Batman (no, a different one), a famous director, and Ice Cube are all soldiers at the end of the first Gulf War. They are on a mission to find a stash of Saddam's gold based on a map they found in a guys butt. Along the way they make some friends, create some exploding footballs, get into some hijinks, and try their best not to die.
- Three dudes no one has ever heard before run around trying to defuse IEDs11 in the movie directed by the ex-wife of the most profitable director ever. Keep your eyes open for cameos by Kate Austen, Lord Voldemort, and Fernand Mondego. Also, if Avatar wins best picture over this movie it will be a travesty.
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1 No Country for Old Men, American Beauty.
2 Joe Dirt, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
3 In high school we would play this game when we were waiting around.
4 So don't yell at me when I don't put your movie on my list.
5 Any time that I am hiking, but especially at Turkey Run State Park, this music is always running through my head.
6 This guy is apparently a total prat in every movie he is in.
7 Sorry Andre Braugher, but it's the truth.
8 This is actually a joke that Tim Street started years ago, that guy and his inappropriate WW2 themes jokes.
9 I know the movie came before the TV show, but After-Mash was a real spin-off of MASH, apparently it was terrible.
10 The pastor at our church totally looks like Robert Redford, it's weird.
11 Improvised explosive device, don't say I never taught you anything.
