On the Chicago Adventure: Michigan Avenue

In which the siren song of adventure is answered in the Windy City.

Chicago in mid-March can be a cruel place.  Well, I guess if I was being honest Chicago from about November through June can be a cruel place.  The wind shoots off the lake fiercely, biting through most anything you have on and in the winter months you add to it snow and ice and darkness.  But I truly think that it is worse in March, April and May.  Spring is around the corner, or in full effect, the sun is often out and even makes you feel warm at times.  Until the clouds come and that cold wind picks up and you remember that Chicago can be a cruel place.

My second spring break of graduate school I decided to take a trip up to spend a few days with Mike and hopefully run into Katie as well.  It was just a handful of days, a long weekend really, but I was looking forward to it.  And then I found out that Trumper and a friend we are going to call "Monterey"  were planning on going up as well, right away I knew this would be a trip to remember.

The visit began about how you would expect it to.  The trip into Chicago took longer than it should, finding a parking space was a huge hassle, the reunion was full of hugs, and we wasted a surprising amount of time just deciding what we wanted to do¹.  Eventually though a decision was indeed made.  Coming up with a plan for the entire evening was too daunting so instead we would take a bus from Mike’s apartment down to Michigan Avenue where we would meet Katie and then we would go from there.  So we were off.

As I think back the bus ride and walking to the bookstore, where Katie was waiting to meet us, was a total blur.  When we reached Katie she had staked out a little table near a window overlooking Michigan Ave, her table covered with a variety magazines and books, she was clearly in for the long haul².  We all said our hellos and stood around awkwardly in our giant coats.  After a time it was decided that Katie would remain in her cove of literacy while we men would brave the cold and the wind and the tourists as we ventured down the road a spell.

With the tall buildings acting as a funnel cold couldn't begin to describe what it was like.  Frigid was much more apt.  As we walked the length of this shopping Mecca we stopped in more than a few stores not out of any interest we had in what they were selling, but rather as an escape from the elements.  Certainly none of us had plans to spend any money, however, that did not stop us from visiting shop after shop.  Everything seemed to be on a repetitive loop, we would walk until we were cold, stop inside a store, warm up, leave and repeat.  But then we met the man with the sign, and everything changed.

Trumper saw him first.  In fact, Trump was the only one of us that talked to him.  But he let us know what he said.

“Guys, they have suits,” Trumper explained, “there is a store just up the road that sells suits really cheap.  This guy's going to show us where it is, come on.”

So we followed the man wearing a giant sign that said “Suits Half-Off!!” on it.  For a block and a half we followed this man, until abruptly he stopped and pointed us to an unmarked door that led into a nondescript commercial building.  “Upstairs,” he said gruffly as he opened the door for us.  We walked in.

Once inside we took the escalator up and found the suit store.  That was literally all this place was, a store for suits.  Wall to wall, double-stacked with absolutely no room to maneuver, it was if George Zimmer³ threw up all over the place.  Trump was excited, Mike mentioned that he needed a new suit, and Monty kept saying something about a fur store.  I kind of wandered around half heartedly looking at suits and suit related paraphernalia.  At one point one of us looked up and realized that Monterey was no where to be found.

Knowing Monterey as we did none of us were really concerned, or surprised, that he had disappeared.  What was surprising was what he told us when he came back.

"You have to check out this store I found; it is nothing but fur coats."

Mike and I laughed and continued to look around.  Jon (or Trumper), whose interest in this paradise of menswear was fading, left with Monterey.  A few minutes later they return and Jon told us that we really should check it out.  So we headed next store.

The store was small, about twenty feet wide and fifty feet long.  All around the outskirts of the store were fur coats.  Hundreds of them.  Each rack was packed so tightly it seemed that the store itself was one large animal.  There were seven people in the store, the four of us, and three people who appeared to be employees, two men and a woman.  They huddled near the cash register talking quietly, their only interest in us a short glance as we walked into the store.  We each started at a different point walking along the edges the store looking at fur coats.  Every coat was labeled with a tag, on that tag was the style, the price, the type of animal and the county of origin.  The cost of the coats often reached into the thousands.  It boggled the mind to consider how much money was crammed into such a small place.

After a time Monterey stopped and came up to us and announced, "The best furs come from Norway, I think."

What exactly he was basing this on we will never know; but if you find yourself in position to purchase an expensive dead animal to wrap around your shoulders remember to buy Norwegian.

It was at this exact moment when one of the three employees finally came over to us and said, in a thick Russian accent, "You guys looking to buy some furs?"

"Ha ha, no they are a little out of our price range," Mike replied.

"Yes, they are expensive, but also, very nice," the man said.

Monterey turned to the man, "I've got some stock options with my company, maybe when they go public I can afford one."

"Oh you are into the stock market.  That's good way to make money, but risky."

"The company I work for is doing some big things.  These stocks should be worth a lot."

"Then you have the big money, yes?"

"Well probably not for a few a year or two."

"You get the big money from the stocks, then you come back and buy a fur."

"Ha ha, okay⁴."

We left the store and headed back out to Michigan Avenue.  While we were on escalator Monterey said, "Man that guy really liked to talk about the stock market."

Mike replied, "You know Monterey, he was referring to drugs."

"Huh?"

"Oh yeah, that place was a front for the Russian mafia," I added.  "Look at that place, all that money in furs, three people sitting around doing nothing, no one goes there to buy fur coats.  When he asked you if you were into the stock market is was code for selling drugs."

"Oh, that makes sense."

Mike, Jon and I laughed as we exited the building and were hit by a wave of cold air.  We had gotten a hold of Katie and were going to meet her so we could walk to a restaurant she had picked out.  When we reached her Monterey excitedly shared with her what had happened.

"We found this fur store that was really a front for the Russian mob.  And one of the employees asked me if I was into the stock market, but he was really asking me if I made my money selling drugs."

Katie looked from Monterey to each of us before responding, "Uh....okay."

We laughed again and filled Katie in on the particulars of the day's events as we talked to the tapas restaurant.  Little did we know that while the day was winding down the adventure⁵ was just beginning.

To be continued...
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¹ This seems to be the ways things tend to go amongst my friends.
² Which, for those that know Katie Soderberg, will surprise exactly no one.
³ You'll like the way you look, he guarantees it.
⁴ That is not how the conversation went exactly, but you get the picture.
⁵ By adventure what I mean is hilarity.

On the Great Columbus Trip Day Three

In which we find: food, vindication and a special guest star.

Slept in later than I thought. Which I mean in the most literal way possible. I moved the clock in the guest room ahead an hour due to last week's time change. At some point last night it jumped back in time an hour. So I woke up thinking it was 8:30 when in actuality it was 9:30. I was alright with it.

For breakfast we whipped up some toast, bacon and scrambled eggs¹.

The Settlers losing streak finally came to a crashing halt with three wins in a row (over the last two days).

Seth and I played disc golf at the course near OSU's campus. There were four high points. Firstly, I dominated Seth, it wasn't even close. Secondly, there was a cricket game going on when we arrived, which is always a scene. Thirdly, there was a family of three that we got stuck behind not once but twice. We played through on a hole² and they skipped a couple of holes so we got stuck behind them again. Lastly, I got a Young Life camp hole in one³.

We watched Up In the Air, which was a phenomenal movie. I would say that it is right up there with Up for my favorite movie of the year. Also, this guy was there.

See you back in Bloomington!
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¹ First meal that I didn't help make, it was exciting.
² Playing though is when slower people let you pass by. The mom didn't know this, apparently, and seemed very put off when we asked.
³ That is when you hit the post under the basket.

On the Great Columbus Trip Day Two

In which we travel a bit, dinner is served, and a showdown most epic.

Here are the highlights from day two in Ohio.

Seth and I played disc golf at Glacier Ridge Metro Park.  It was quite the showdown.  We needed two playoff holes to determine the winner.  Seth walked away victorious...for now¹.  Here is the picture of the day.

Other activities included Setters (of course) with the windows open and an awesome breeze blowing through. Seth and Julie thought it would be a good idea to get me hooked on The West Wing, which was very courteous of them.  So I repaid them by talking them into buying Studio 60, suckers².  Julie whipped up some awesome taco soup which we had for dinner.  And in case you were wondering at Half-Priced Books you can buy some sweet movies on LaserDisc³, if I had a player I totally would have bought some.

Highlight of the day?  This quote, direct from Julie Rowe.  "You know what Columbus does have?  Huge dicks."  Seriously, she said that⁴.
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¹ Rematch tomorrow.
² More for the act of purchasing, the show it self is fantastic.
³ Including True Lies, Dave, and Weekend at Bernie's 2.
⁴ Technically she said, "huge Dicks" as in the the sporting goods store.

On the Great Columbus Trip Day One

In which we chronicle events from the first day in Columbus.

So I finally made the trip to Ohio that I promised Seth for his birthday so instead of one post talking about the whole trip there will be a post for each day I am here highlighting the peak moments.  This is day one:

Got to Columbus at 3 pm, Seth suggested that I meet him and Julie at Kroger.  He showed up at 4.  Then his debit card didn't work so I bought their groceries...what a dead beat¹.

When we got the their house (which is pretty sweet) Seth and Julie both got on their computers.

Then we made dinner, which is to say that I made dinner, Seth sat on the couch.  Then my Settlers losing streak continued for two games².

So far this trip has lived up to expectations³.
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¹ They owe me $61.
² Even though a won a game earlier in the week it was against Colby and Huck so I'm not counting it.  I don't know what I did to anger the Setters gods, but they are pissed.
³ All joking aside I'm glad to be here...as long as I get my money back.

On a Somewhat Preposterous Solution to a Serious Problem

In which a problem is addressed, money is counted, and little people.

I don't know if you heard but we, as a country, are in a bit of a financial tight spot.  As a result school districts across the country are in pretty rough shape.  Many schools are facing massive cutbacks of services, materials, and teachers.  Teachers are being notified that they are going to be losing their jobs; some places are taking more...drastic measures.

Things here in Indiana are pretty terrible as well.  Schools are expected to make huge cutbacks.  Various ideas that I have heard considered include cutting back sports teams, eliminating busing, canceling summer school, not paying janitors through the summer, and, of course, firing teachers.  Mitch Daniels, our esteemed governor¹, suggested teachers forgo raises (which isn't a bad idea).  However, he followed up talking about cutbacks with a terrible quote, "Anyone who complains about that should be immediately asked, 'Which tax do you want to increase?' We have used all of the reserves that the state had."  Well Mr. Daniels just off the top of my head I would suggest: property, liquor, cigarette/tobacco, and/or sales.  You could also create a tax on soda.  Or how about we don't spend millions on I-69² and invest that in schools instead.  Just a thought.

Rather ironically, or sadly that would also be an appropriate adverb, Forbes.com released their list of billionaires.  I was intrigued by the list and decided to dig a little deeper in to it.  Here are some statistics:

• There are over 400 billionaires in the world today.
• Of that 294 live in the United States.
• The richest man in the world is from Mexico, he beat out Bill Gates by half a billion dollars.
• Various members of the Walton family³ took up 5 or 6 spots on the list.
• IU alum Mark Cuban was on the list, his favorite way to pass the time in Bloomington is to come to Husband&Wife shows and hit on the wives⁴.

Here is the most ridiculous statistic of the day.  When added up the US billionaires have a total net worth of 1,093.2 billion dollars.

That is over one trillion dollars. Or:

$1,093,200,000,000.00

That number is unfathomable to me.  I can't really wrap my head around it. That is how much these chill buds and dude chicks are worth.  And yes I did just call the richest people in America chill buds and dude chicks.  So what does this absurd number have to do with a collapsing educational system?  Simply put, I'm going to solve the problem.

I am proposing that these 294 people each give 1% of their net worth to schools across the country.  I think that money should be pooled and given, in equal chunks, to all of the school districts across the county.  According to my research (a combination of Google and Wikipedia) I discovered that there are approximately 16,000 school districts in the country.  If we take one percent of that huge number above and divide it equally amongst the districts it comes out to $683,250 each.  That is a large number, and while it may not fix all the problems it will certainly save some jobs.

Now I realize that we live in a capitalist society which means people are free to make as much money as they want and spend it on what they want.  I am not saying we should force these people to give this money, but I am suggesting that we create a way for them to help out.  And why should they help?  Because schools are our future.  We can have the best roads, the largest armies and can dump dollar after dollar at greedy investment firms that can't manage their money but if we don't have well educated students it is meaningless.  Not only should these individuals consider giving but businesses should as well.  They need to stop thinking only of a quick return on an investment and instead look at what a long term investment in the education of future employees could mean.  A healthy educational system is paramount our society, it is the most important issue that we are facing as a nation, and unfortunately it seems to fall by the way side all too often.

Okay, let's be honest here.  Just throwing money at problems is not a long term solution.  And this problem has a seemingly unending number of issues.  From broad issues like greed and ego, to specific problems like suburban sprawl.  I could go on and on.  But here is the biggest problem, as I see it.  If you ever hear a politician or a school administrator, or a teacher, or a community member talk about the educational system you will hear them all say the same thing.  "The students come first."

But when was the last time that was actually the case?  The students NEVER come first.  If the students came first I wouldn't be writing this post right now. I would be telling you about juggling baby geese⁵ or something like that.  The problems facing the educational system, especially the lack of money, wouldn't exist.  People wouldn't stand for closing schools, offering fewer opportunities at schools, overcrowded classrooms.  Parent's would get off their asses and be involved in their students lives, unions would allow ineffective teacher to be let go instead of younger excited teachers, and administrators would take some hard looks at the high salaries they receive.

So until we change this fundamental problem we need to get some billionaires to help out.  So pass the word along to all your mega-rich friends.  Let them know that if they give 1% of their worth so will I, what an offer!

And if they look at you like you are a crazy person, which is likely, and think that it is a terrible use for their money here is what you say.  Just tell them that it is a better option then starting a 'dwarf theme park'(you may need to double click that link) like a mega-rich guy in China did⁶.  Those people do some weird things⁷.

So that post got a lot more serious than I though it would.  Maybe I should stick to geese juggling.
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¹ I have many problems with Daniels, but that is neither here nor there.
² This road is such a waste of money, and will put many small southern Indiana towns in jeopardy.
³ As in relatives of Sam Walton of Walmart fame.
⁴ Cuban drunkenly stumbled into XRAfest last year and flirted it up with Carrie.
⁵ Goslings.
⁶ There you go Zim, sorry I didn't do more with it.
⁷ In addition to 'dwarf zoos' they also created a rocket system to attempt to change weather patterns.  Plus there is the fact that there are so many billionaires in a communist country.

On War On Film

In which a list is created, a few movies pitched, and synopses written.

It should be no surprise to you that I enjoy watching movies. One of my favorite things to do is to watch a good movie with a group of friends that leads to a great discussion afterwards. But beyond that I just enjoy the act of watching a movie, I’m something of an anomaly in that I greatly appreciate well made movies and movies that challenge me to think¹, but in the same breath I enjoy stupid mindless movies that exist only to entertain². I will even go as far as to gloss over the rough parts of a movie if it is able to captivating enough.

A number of years ago my roommate at the time, Adam, and I decided we were going to watch a movie that started with every letter of the alphabet, in order. We didn’t make it very far; I think we got to “C” or “D” maybe. But it was an interesting way to go about watching movies, and is something that I would like to try again some time. Since then I have thought about what other “movie themes” I could come up with. Watching a series of Oscar winners, or multiple remakes of the same story, or even watching movies Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon style³ all came to mind. But the most fleshed out idea, and the one that is the most intriguing, is watching a movie that corresponds to every war in American history.

Some of the most classic movies, and most entertain movies, are those based around wars. So would it be possible to watch a movie for every war? I decided to investigate the situation. First I had to decide what would be considered a “war,” which ended up being a tougher concept than I thought. So I after some deep consideration this is the list I came up with:

French and Indian War

American Revolution

The War of 1812

The Civil War

The Spanish-American War

World War 1

World War 2

The Korean War

Vietnam War

The Cold War

Desert Storm

Iraqi Freedom

The next question was a two-parter. Part the first; is there a movie about every war? Part B; have I seen any of said movies? I decided that if there was no movie option that I would make one up. And if there was a movie I had seen for a war I was obligated to choose it over one that I hadn’t⁴. Some categories will offer a first choice and an alternate as well.

The French and Indian War (1754-1763) – The Last of the Mohicans (1993)

• A white guy, who thinks he is a Mohican and is not named Natty Bumppo, falls in love with a stuck up English bird, who may or may not travel through time with Bruce Willis, in the middle of a war between the French and the British. There is a lot of running through the woods⁵, jumping through waterfalls, making the British look stupid, and no matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you.

The Revolutionary War (1775-1783) – The Patriot (2000)

• This time the British have gone too far. The people have had enough, the votes are in, and it’s time to show those limey dastards what we’re made of. And there is only one man for the job. William Wallace, along with his son the Joker, face-off against Lucius Malfoy⁶, for control of the colonies, and the world will never be the same again. Blood! Excitement! Shooting stuff! Family drama! Inappropriately low-cut, rack-enhancing, colonial dresses! The Patriot!

The War of 1812 (1812) – n/a

• There isn’t a movie about the War of 1812. A good deal of the fighting took place in what was then the “northwest territories” which is now known as Indiana, Ohio and Michigan. That would be a cool setting for a movie, mainly because that is where I live. One thing the movie would have to have is Andrew Jackson getting punched in the face. Don’t get me wrong, he did an amazing job in the battle of New Orleans. But he was still a racist douche.

The Civil War (1861-1865) – Glory (1989)

• Ferris Bueller is the commander of the first all-black company of U.S. volunteers in the Civil War. With a little help from his friend Robin Hood, Ferris overcomes adversity and self-doubt to lead a squad of brave men made up of, among others, Malcom X, God, and another guy you would totally recognize but couldn’t name any of the other characters he’s played⁷. I watched this in US history during our Civil War lesson so you know it has to be educational.

The Spanish American War (1898) – n/a

• This war, known mainly for Teddy Roosevelt and his Rough Riders and for the sinking of the USS Maine, hasn’t had a film about it since 1936. Though the first war movie ever made, Tearing Down the Spanish Flag, was about the Spanish American War. It came out in 1898, which is the year the war happened, that’s nutty. If I was going to make a movie it would be based on Elmore Leonard’s Cuba Libre, what’s not to love about a war movie that involves cowboys, gun running, shootouts, bank robberies, and fast-talking, quick-witted protagonists? Nothing is the answer.

World War I (1914-1918) – Flyboys (2006)

• I actually haven’t seen this movie all the way through. I started watching it with my dad and sister over Christmas break but couldn’t stay for the whole thing. Though the little I saw I enjoyed and they both said it was good. Also, it stars James Franco, which is a good thing. So I guess it wins by default…for now.

World War II (1938-1945) – Saving Private Ryan (1998)

• Ready for this? Forrest Gump, after surviving the invasion of Normandy, commands a crack squad made up of: Riddick, Phoebe’s brother, Chandler’s psychotic roommate, Dale Earnhardt, Daniel Faraday, generic gruff guy, and Ed Burns, with one mission. Save good Will Hunting. Along the way they run into, meet, or otherwise have their lives affected by: One of the three men with a baby, Santa Claus, Mal Reynolds, Malcolm in the Middle’s dad, the guy the killed the prostitute for the “lust” killing in Se7en, Gerry Bertier, and an ex-cop turned actor who almost always plays cops. A little known fact is that by saving Private Ryan, the squad inadvertently caused cancer…whoops⁸.

• WWII Alternate – U-571 (2000) – What’s long, and hard, and full of seamen? Grow up you perv, it’s a submarine. And that is exactly what this movie is about, crank up the bass for the depth charge scene that will have you on the edge of your seat. Or just watch it to see Bon Jovi get his head cut off (don’t blink or you will miss it).

The Korean War (1950-1953) – MASH (1970)

• I’ve never actually seen this movie, I think it’s based off that one TV show…After-MASH⁹? Maybe I should check it out so I can see Jack Bauer’s dad hanging out with Ross and Monica’s dad and Robert E. Lee all joking about death and stuff.

The Vietnam War (1959-1975) – We Were Soldiers (2002)

• War movie all-stars alert. William Wallace returns to battle and brings Bruce Willis’ time traveling girlfriend with him, he also gets to hang out with Gerry Bertier and Dale Earnhardt. And while they were at it they threw in Felicity and one of Stifler’s friends. This movie portrays one of America's first battles in Vietnam and is probably the most intense, and violent movies on the list. But then Vietnam was one of the most intense and violent wars we were in, so I guess it works.

The Cold War (1945-1991) – Top Gun (1986)

• Ethan Hunt and his co-pilot Dr. Mark Greene want to be the best of the best of the best. Unfortunately Batman is standing in their way, but so are Ethan’s reckless attitude, daddy issues, and super hot girlfriend/instructor. But don’t worry Michael Ironside’s super gravelly voice and some sand volleyball in blue jeans will help smooth things out. As long as no one breaks their neck I’m sure everything will work out just fine.  Oh yeah, Sleepless in Seattle shows up too.

• Cold War Alternate – Spy Game (2001) – Watch Bob Whitaker¹⁰ recruit, train, work with, repulse and attempt to save Tyler Durden in this movie the travels through a variety of theaters from the Vietnam War all the way up to China at the end of the cold war. This is a movie that I can rewatch time and again.  It's pretty rad.

The Gulf War 1 (1990-1991) – Three Kings (1999)

• Marky Mark, Batman (no, a different one), a famous director, and Ice Cube are all soldiers at the end of the first Gulf War.  They are on a mission to find a stash of Saddam's gold based on a map they found in a guys butt.  Along the way they make some friends, create some exploding footballs, get into some hijinks, and try their best not to die.

 The Gulf War 2: Gulf Harder (2003-present) - The Hurt Locker (2008) 

• Three dudes no one has ever heard before run around trying to defuse IEDs¹¹ in the movie directed by the ex-wife of the most profitable director ever.  Keep your eyes open for cameos by Kate Austen, Lord Voldemort, and Fernand Mondego.  Also, if Avatar wins best picture over this movie it will be a travesty.

So the next time you find your self jonesing for a little American history, and you have 22 hours to spare, fire up your DVD player and make history come alive!
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¹ No Country for Old Men, American Beauty.
² Joe Dirt, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
³ In high school we would play this game when we were waiting around.
⁴ So don't yell at me when I don't put your movie on my list.
⁵ Any time that I am hiking, but especially at Turkey Run State Park, this music is always running through my head.
⁶ This guy is apparently a total prat in every movie he is in.
⁷ Sorry Andre Braugher, but it's the truth.
⁸ This is actually a joke that Tim Street started years ago, that guy and his inappropriate WW2 themes jokes.
⁹ I know the movie came before the TV show, but After-Mash was a real spin-off of MASH, apparently it was terrible.
¹⁰ The pastor at our church totally looks like Robert Redford, it's weird.
¹¹ Improvised explosive device, don't say I never taught you anything.

On Things That Are Rad

In which we discover a variety of items that can be quantifiably described as "rad."

My post for the week is a little earlier than normal due to stumbling onto some cool stuff over the weekend and today.

On Saturday I was on Facebook and my friend Matt had this written on his wall courtesy of his wife Ashley:  Old Spice ad: 'We're not saying Old Spice body wash will make your man smell like a romantic millionaire jet fighter pilot, but we are insinuating it.' I was intrigued and decided to discover if this was indeed an Old Spice add.  That is when I found the following.


Also this.

For a while now I have felt that Old Spice has some of the most consistently funny adds around. These do nothing to change that opinion.

I also discovered the work of graphic artist Brandon Schaefer who makes some pretty sweet original movie posters based off of classic films.  Here are my two favorites, if they were still in print I would totally think about buying one, or both, of them¹.

A few months ago I talked about Arrested Development, one of my favorite television shows.  Two of the actors from said show, Will Arnett and David Cross, are currently staring² in a show based out of the UK called The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret³.  Unfortunately it is only available overseas at the moment, but the first episode is up on Youtubes in three parts.  Watch it while you can, I don't know how long it will be before it gets taken down.  Warning: these are NOT safe for work viewing (language).







Blogmendment 10:21pm

While writing this blog, and even after I finished, I kept thinking that there was something I wanted to write about but was forgetting.  Then, during dinner, I remembered.  There is a movie coming out in April that looks hilarious, and got some great early reviews.  Here is the red band trailer (which means the trailer is R rated so you will have to enter a birth date so don't watch this at work).


Those are the rad things I found this week. What have you got?
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¹ In actuality I would most likely agonize about whether or not I should buy them, then end up not buying them, and always wonder if I should have bought them.
² Okay, so technically it stars David Cross is the star, but Arnett is classic in the scenes he is in.
³ This is just a fantastic name.