On the Great Columbus Trip Day One

In which we chronicle events from the first day in Columbus.

So I finally made the trip to Ohio that I promised Seth for his birthday so instead of one post talking about the whole trip there will be a post for each day I am here highlighting the peak moments.  This is day one:

Got to Columbus at 3 pm, Seth suggested that I meet him and Julie at Kroger.  He showed up at 4.  Then his debit card didn't work so I bought their groceries...what a dead beat¹.

When we got the their house (which is pretty sweet) Seth and Julie both got on their computers.

Then we made dinner, which is to say that I made dinner, Seth sat on the couch.  Then my Settlers losing streak continued for two games².

So far this trip has lived up to expectations³.
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¹ They owe me $61.
² Even though a won a game earlier in the week it was against Colby and Huck so I'm not counting it.  I don't know what I did to anger the Setters gods, but they are pissed.
³ All joking aside I'm glad to be here...as long as I get my money back.

On a Somewhat Preposterous Solution to a Serious Problem

In which a problem is addressed, money is counted, and little people.

I don't know if you heard but we, as a country, are in a bit of a financial tight spot.  As a result school districts across the country are in pretty rough shape.  Many schools are facing massive cutbacks of services, materials, and teachers.  Teachers are being notified that they are going to be losing their jobs; some places are taking more...drastic measures.

Things here in Indiana are pretty terrible as well.  Schools are expected to make huge cutbacks.  Various ideas that I have heard considered include cutting back sports teams, eliminating busing, canceling summer school, not paying janitors through the summer, and, of course, firing teachers.  Mitch Daniels, our esteemed governor¹, suggested teachers forgo raises (which isn't a bad idea).  However, he followed up talking about cutbacks with a terrible quote, "Anyone who complains about that should be immediately asked, 'Which tax do you want to increase?' We have used all of the reserves that the state had."  Well Mr. Daniels just off the top of my head I would suggest: property, liquor, cigarette/tobacco, and/or sales.  You could also create a tax on soda.  Or how about we don't spend millions on I-69² and invest that in schools instead.  Just a thought.

Rather ironically, or sadly that would also be an appropriate adverb, Forbes.com released their list of billionaires.  I was intrigued by the list and decided to dig a little deeper in to it.  Here are some statistics:

• There are over 400 billionaires in the world today.
• Of that 294 live in the United States.
• The richest man in the world is from Mexico, he beat out Bill Gates by half a billion dollars.
• Various members of the Walton family³ took up 5 or 6 spots on the list.
• IU alum Mark Cuban was on the list, his favorite way to pass the time in Bloomington is to come to Husband&Wife shows and hit on the wives⁴.

Here is the most ridiculous statistic of the day.  When added up the US billionaires have a total net worth of 1,093.2 billion dollars.

That is over one trillion dollars. Or:

$1,093,200,000,000.00

That number is unfathomable to me.  I can't really wrap my head around it. That is how much these chill buds and dude chicks are worth.  And yes I did just call the richest people in America chill buds and dude chicks.  So what does this absurd number have to do with a collapsing educational system?  Simply put, I'm going to solve the problem.

I am proposing that these 294 people each give 1% of their net worth to schools across the country.  I think that money should be pooled and given, in equal chunks, to all of the school districts across the county.  According to my research (a combination of Google and Wikipedia) I discovered that there are approximately 16,000 school districts in the country.  If we take one percent of that huge number above and divide it equally amongst the districts it comes out to $683,250 each.  That is a large number, and while it may not fix all the problems it will certainly save some jobs.

Now I realize that we live in a capitalist society which means people are free to make as much money as they want and spend it on what they want.  I am not saying we should force these people to give this money, but I am suggesting that we create a way for them to help out.  And why should they help?  Because schools are our future.  We can have the best roads, the largest armies and can dump dollar after dollar at greedy investment firms that can't manage their money but if we don't have well educated students it is meaningless.  Not only should these individuals consider giving but businesses should as well.  They need to stop thinking only of a quick return on an investment and instead look at what a long term investment in the education of future employees could mean.  A healthy educational system is paramount our society, it is the most important issue that we are facing as a nation, and unfortunately it seems to fall by the way side all too often.

Okay, let's be honest here.  Just throwing money at problems is not a long term solution.  And this problem has a seemingly unending number of issues.  From broad issues like greed and ego, to specific problems like suburban sprawl.  I could go on and on.  But here is the biggest problem, as I see it.  If you ever hear a politician or a school administrator, or a teacher, or a community member talk about the educational system you will hear them all say the same thing.  "The students come first."

But when was the last time that was actually the case?  The students NEVER come first.  If the students came first I wouldn't be writing this post right now. I would be telling you about juggling baby geese⁵ or something like that.  The problems facing the educational system, especially the lack of money, wouldn't exist.  People wouldn't stand for closing schools, offering fewer opportunities at schools, overcrowded classrooms.  Parent's would get off their asses and be involved in their students lives, unions would allow ineffective teacher to be let go instead of younger excited teachers, and administrators would take some hard looks at the high salaries they receive.

So until we change this fundamental problem we need to get some billionaires to help out.  So pass the word along to all your mega-rich friends.  Let them know that if they give 1% of their worth so will I, what an offer!

And if they look at you like you are a crazy person, which is likely, and think that it is a terrible use for their money here is what you say.  Just tell them that it is a better option then starting a 'dwarf theme park'(you may need to double click that link) like a mega-rich guy in China did⁶.  Those people do some weird things⁷.

So that post got a lot more serious than I though it would.  Maybe I should stick to geese juggling.
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¹ I have many problems with Daniels, but that is neither here nor there.
² This road is such a waste of money, and will put many small southern Indiana towns in jeopardy.
³ As in relatives of Sam Walton of Walmart fame.
⁴ Cuban drunkenly stumbled into XRAfest last year and flirted it up with Carrie.
⁵ Goslings.
⁶ There you go Zim, sorry I didn't do more with it.
⁷ In addition to 'dwarf zoos' they also created a rocket system to attempt to change weather patterns.  Plus there is the fact that there are so many billionaires in a communist country.

On War On Film

In which a list is created, a few movies pitched, and synopses written.

It should be no surprise to you that I enjoy watching movies. One of my favorite things to do is to watch a good movie with a group of friends that leads to a great discussion afterwards. But beyond that I just enjoy the act of watching a movie, I’m something of an anomaly in that I greatly appreciate well made movies and movies that challenge me to think¹, but in the same breath I enjoy stupid mindless movies that exist only to entertain². I will even go as far as to gloss over the rough parts of a movie if it is able to captivating enough.

A number of years ago my roommate at the time, Adam, and I decided we were going to watch a movie that started with every letter of the alphabet, in order. We didn’t make it very far; I think we got to “C” or “D” maybe. But it was an interesting way to go about watching movies, and is something that I would like to try again some time. Since then I have thought about what other “movie themes” I could come up with. Watching a series of Oscar winners, or multiple remakes of the same story, or even watching movies Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon style³ all came to mind. But the most fleshed out idea, and the one that is the most intriguing, is watching a movie that corresponds to every war in American history.

Some of the most classic movies, and most entertain movies, are those based around wars. So would it be possible to watch a movie for every war? I decided to investigate the situation. First I had to decide what would be considered a “war,” which ended up being a tougher concept than I thought. So I after some deep consideration this is the list I came up with:

French and Indian War

American Revolution

The War of 1812

The Civil War

The Spanish-American War

World War 1

World War 2

The Korean War

Vietnam War

The Cold War

Desert Storm

Iraqi Freedom

The next question was a two-parter. Part the first; is there a movie about every war? Part B; have I seen any of said movies? I decided that if there was no movie option that I would make one up. And if there was a movie I had seen for a war I was obligated to choose it over one that I hadn’t⁴. Some categories will offer a first choice and an alternate as well.

The French and Indian War (1754-1763) – The Last of the Mohicans (1993)

• A white guy, who thinks he is a Mohican and is not named Natty Bumppo, falls in love with a stuck up English bird, who may or may not travel through time with Bruce Willis, in the middle of a war between the French and the British. There is a lot of running through the woods⁵, jumping through waterfalls, making the British look stupid, and no matter how long it takes, no matter how far, I will find you.

The Revolutionary War (1775-1783) – The Patriot (2000)

• This time the British have gone too far. The people have had enough, the votes are in, and it’s time to show those limey dastards what we’re made of. And there is only one man for the job. William Wallace, along with his son the Joker, face-off against Lucius Malfoy⁶, for control of the colonies, and the world will never be the same again. Blood! Excitement! Shooting stuff! Family drama! Inappropriately low-cut, rack-enhancing, colonial dresses! The Patriot!

The War of 1812 (1812) – n/a

• There isn’t a movie about the War of 1812. A good deal of the fighting took place in what was then the “northwest territories” which is now known as Indiana, Ohio and Michigan. That would be a cool setting for a movie, mainly because that is where I live. One thing the movie would have to have is Andrew Jackson getting punched in the face. Don’t get me wrong, he did an amazing job in the battle of New Orleans. But he was still a racist douche.

The Civil War (1861-1865) – Glory (1989)

• Ferris Bueller is the commander of the first all-black company of U.S. volunteers in the Civil War. With a little help from his friend Robin Hood, Ferris overcomes adversity and self-doubt to lead a squad of brave men made up of, among others, Malcom X, God, and another guy you would totally recognize but couldn’t name any of the other characters he’s played⁷. I watched this in US history during our Civil War lesson so you know it has to be educational.

The Spanish American War (1898) – n/a

• This war, known mainly for Teddy Roosevelt and his Rough Riders and for the sinking of the USS Maine, hasn’t had a film about it since 1936. Though the first war movie ever made, Tearing Down the Spanish Flag, was about the Spanish American War. It came out in 1898, which is the year the war happened, that’s nutty. If I was going to make a movie it would be based on Elmore Leonard’s Cuba Libre, what’s not to love about a war movie that involves cowboys, gun running, shootouts, bank robberies, and fast-talking, quick-witted protagonists? Nothing is the answer.

World War I (1914-1918) – Flyboys (2006)

• I actually haven’t seen this movie all the way through. I started watching it with my dad and sister over Christmas break but couldn’t stay for the whole thing. Though the little I saw I enjoyed and they both said it was good. Also, it stars James Franco, which is a good thing. So I guess it wins by default…for now.

World War II (1938-1945) – Saving Private Ryan (1998)

• Ready for this? Forrest Gump, after surviving the invasion of Normandy, commands a crack squad made up of: Riddick, Phoebe’s brother, Chandler’s psychotic roommate, Dale Earnhardt, Daniel Faraday, generic gruff guy, and Ed Burns, with one mission. Save good Will Hunting. Along the way they run into, meet, or otherwise have their lives affected by: One of the three men with a baby, Santa Claus, Mal Reynolds, Malcolm in the Middle’s dad, the guy the killed the prostitute for the “lust” killing in Se7en, Gerry Bertier, and an ex-cop turned actor who almost always plays cops. A little known fact is that by saving Private Ryan, the squad inadvertently caused cancer…whoops⁸.

• WWII Alternate – U-571 (2000) – What’s long, and hard, and full of seamen? Grow up you perv, it’s a submarine. And that is exactly what this movie is about, crank up the bass for the depth charge scene that will have you on the edge of your seat. Or just watch it to see Bon Jovi get his head cut off (don’t blink or you will miss it).

The Korean War (1950-1953) – MASH (1970)

• I’ve never actually seen this movie, I think it’s based off that one TV show…After-MASH⁹? Maybe I should check it out so I can see Jack Bauer’s dad hanging out with Ross and Monica’s dad and Robert E. Lee all joking about death and stuff.

The Vietnam War (1959-1975) – We Were Soldiers (2002)

• War movie all-stars alert. William Wallace returns to battle and brings Bruce Willis’ time traveling girlfriend with him, he also gets to hang out with Gerry Bertier and Dale Earnhardt. And while they were at it they threw in Felicity and one of Stifler’s friends. This movie portrays one of America's first battles in Vietnam and is probably the most intense, and violent movies on the list. But then Vietnam was one of the most intense and violent wars we were in, so I guess it works.

The Cold War (1945-1991) – Top Gun (1986)

• Ethan Hunt and his co-pilot Dr. Mark Greene want to be the best of the best of the best. Unfortunately Batman is standing in their way, but so are Ethan’s reckless attitude, daddy issues, and super hot girlfriend/instructor. But don’t worry Michael Ironside’s super gravelly voice and some sand volleyball in blue jeans will help smooth things out. As long as no one breaks their neck I’m sure everything will work out just fine.  Oh yeah, Sleepless in Seattle shows up too.

• Cold War Alternate – Spy Game (2001) – Watch Bob Whitaker¹⁰ recruit, train, work with, repulse and attempt to save Tyler Durden in this movie the travels through a variety of theaters from the Vietnam War all the way up to China at the end of the cold war. This is a movie that I can rewatch time and again.  It's pretty rad.

The Gulf War 1 (1990-1991) – Three Kings (1999)

• Marky Mark, Batman (no, a different one), a famous director, and Ice Cube are all soldiers at the end of the first Gulf War.  They are on a mission to find a stash of Saddam's gold based on a map they found in a guys butt.  Along the way they make some friends, create some exploding footballs, get into some hijinks, and try their best not to die.

 The Gulf War 2: Gulf Harder (2003-present) - The Hurt Locker (2008) 

• Three dudes no one has ever heard before run around trying to defuse IEDs¹¹ in the movie directed by the ex-wife of the most profitable director ever.  Keep your eyes open for cameos by Kate Austen, Lord Voldemort, and Fernand Mondego.  Also, if Avatar wins best picture over this movie it will be a travesty.

So the next time you find your self jonesing for a little American history, and you have 22 hours to spare, fire up your DVD player and make history come alive!
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¹ No Country for Old Men, American Beauty.
² Joe Dirt, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
³ In high school we would play this game when we were waiting around.
⁴ So don't yell at me when I don't put your movie on my list.
⁵ Any time that I am hiking, but especially at Turkey Run State Park, this music is always running through my head.
⁶ This guy is apparently a total prat in every movie he is in.
⁷ Sorry Andre Braugher, but it's the truth.
⁸ This is actually a joke that Tim Street started years ago, that guy and his inappropriate WW2 themes jokes.
⁹ I know the movie came before the TV show, but After-Mash was a real spin-off of MASH, apparently it was terrible.
¹⁰ The pastor at our church totally looks like Robert Redford, it's weird.
¹¹ Improvised explosive device, don't say I never taught you anything.

On Things That Are Rad

In which we discover a variety of items that can be quantifiably described as "rad."

My post for the week is a little earlier than normal due to stumbling onto some cool stuff over the weekend and today.

On Saturday I was on Facebook and my friend Matt had this written on his wall courtesy of his wife Ashley:  Old Spice ad: 'We're not saying Old Spice body wash will make your man smell like a romantic millionaire jet fighter pilot, but we are insinuating it.' I was intrigued and decided to discover if this was indeed an Old Spice add.  That is when I found the following.


Also this.

For a while now I have felt that Old Spice has some of the most consistently funny adds around. These do nothing to change that opinion.

I also discovered the work of graphic artist Brandon Schaefer who makes some pretty sweet original movie posters based off of classic films.  Here are my two favorites, if they were still in print I would totally think about buying one, or both, of them¹.

A few months ago I talked about Arrested Development, one of my favorite television shows.  Two of the actors from said show, Will Arnett and David Cross, are currently staring² in a show based out of the UK called The Increasingly Poor Decisions of Todd Margaret³.  Unfortunately it is only available overseas at the moment, but the first episode is up on Youtubes in three parts.  Watch it while you can, I don't know how long it will be before it gets taken down.  Warning: these are NOT safe for work viewing (language).







Blogmendment 10:21pm

While writing this blog, and even after I finished, I kept thinking that there was something I wanted to write about but was forgetting.  Then, during dinner, I remembered.  There is a movie coming out in April that looks hilarious, and got some great early reviews.  Here is the red band trailer (which means the trailer is R rated so you will have to enter a birth date so don't watch this at work).


Those are the rad things I found this week. What have you got?
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¹ In actuality I would most likely agonize about whether or not I should buy them, then end up not buying them, and always wonder if I should have bought them.
² Okay, so technically it stars David Cross is the star, but Arnett is classic in the scenes he is in.
³ This is just a fantastic name.

On Filling Days Filled With Snow

In which daily activities are cataloged and discussed.

We've had a lot of snow this winter.  Not as much as the east coast, but it has snowed almost every week for the last two months.  During that time we kept getting these winter weather warnings from the national weather service, and each time the amount of snow would be way less than was predicted.  On this last Sunday I checked the weather reports and saw that we were expected to get a little snow, they were calling for about an inch or two.  The school I work at is a county school and a lot of the kids live on back roads so I went to bed thinking that we might have a two hour delay the next morning.

At 5:30 the next morning my phone rang, here is the conversation that I had:

Me: Hello
Burkhart: Hey man, no school today.
Me: Awesome, thanks brother.
Burkhart: Go team¹.

When I got up a few hours later and went out to clean my car off so I could go to the gym I discovered that we ended up getting more like 3.5 to 4 inches of snow, way more than we got during any of the "warnings" the past weeks.  Monday afternoon I got another call from Aaron telling me that we didn't have school Tuesday, which wasn't all that surprising.  Then on Tuesday afternoon I got another call that we would be off Wednesday as well.  That was a shock.  Apparently Greene County, where I work, only has four snow plows for the whole county².  One plow managed to drive off a road and into a ditch, one broke down.  Due to a lack of funding there isn't enough money to pay for overtime, so when the two working plows reach the end of their shifts they have to just stop.  And thus, three days off and counting.

So what do you do with all that time off?  Good question.  Here are some of the things I did, with some thoughts thrown in for your enjoyment.


Monday

• Cleaned the snow off my car.  This is something that I always do, and I do it completely.  I don't just clean the windshield, I clear off all the windows, the hood, the roof, the trunk, the headlights and the license-plate.  It boggles my mind when I see people driving around with huge piles of snow on their roof, peering through small section of cleared windshield, headlights on but covered with snow.  Please know that if I ever pass you and you are driving a car like that I will be judging you.  Just kidding³.
• Went to the gym.  I have come to enjoy riding the recumbent exercise bike while reading a book.  It makes the time fly by faster than anything else I have discovered. 
• Watched the first half of Kingdom of Heaven (2005).  The original movie got pretty mediocre reviews.  However, I had heard good things about the directors cut.  Ridley Scott had added around 45 minutes of footage back in.  I was very impressed.  It was an ambitious looking at the roles that religion played during the Crusades, but it was able to go beyond just "Christians were evil" or "kill the Muslims."  Scott makes a point to show that both the Christians and the Muslims believed that God would show who was right through the battles they had, and yet doesn't belittle the faith that the people had.  He also investigates how some in the church used the Lords name for their own gain.  Plus the action scenes were pretty great.
• Community dinner.  I made sauteed apples and sausage and a tater tot casserole.  It was tasty.  After that we talked about the various groups throughout Bloomington that we work with and how we can be praying for them.  We ended the evening with some Super Mario Bros. Wii.

Tuesday

• Gym again.  Going to the gym early in the morning is really nice.  It's quiet and all of the machines are open.  Ran a little over two miles while listening to an audio book.
• Finished Kingdom of Heaven.  Here are some of the people in the movie.  Orlando Bloom, Liam Neeson, Eva Green, Jeremy Irons, and Ed Norton⁴.  Something that I really appreciated about the movie was that it didn't spell everything out to you and left parts up to the viewer's interpretation, especially in regards to Orlando Bloom's character.
• Played Super Mario Brothers 2.  My favorite of the NES Mario games.  Though I was playing on my SNES.  It's just so goofy and fun.  Side note, it wasn't originally a Mario game, but when Nintendo brought it over from Japan they made it one.
• Fat Tuesday celebration.  The Roses and some folks from the Catholic Worker came over and we celebrated Fat Tuesday in style.  Which meant pizza and alcohol⁵.  Then we played some four player Mario on the Wii, which was way more fun, but way tougher after some beer.

Wednesday

• Egg and sausage breakfast.  Semi-scrambled eggs⁶ and frozen sausage links.  The eggs, which came from the Corry's farm, were delicious.  The sausage not so much.
• Trip to the dump.  Our trash and recycling overfloweth, thus did Tim and I trek to the solid waste station on Oard Road to remove it.  There was a nice old guy who helped us with our stuff, he even sorted our glass for us.  What a rad dude.
• Finished a book.  Patriot Acts by Greg Rucka, I had read it before but I got the book that precedes this one for my dad for Christmas.  He let me borrow it and I am going to let him read this one.  But I figured I would re-read it before i passed it along.
• Wrote a blog post.  The one you just finished reading.

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¹ This is pretty much what he says every time he calls me in the morning.
² At 522 square miles Greene County is the 5th largest county in the state.
³ But seriously, if you do this you are terrible.
⁴ Norton does an amazing job in a very unexpected role.
⁵ I had too much of both.
⁶ Crack the eggs right onto the pan and then scramble them while they are cooking.  For a bonus throw some shredded cheese on there too.

On Making Something From Nothing

In which a magic trick of sorts is performed and pictures are utilized after a brief hiatus.

Pop quiz, hotshot¹.  You've taken a vow of poverty and you only work a part-time job.  But you still want to eat a delicious, well-balanced meal that includes, among other things, fresh fruits and veggies.  What do you do?  What do you do?

No you don't shoot the hostage.  Silly Keanu, that's your answer to everything.  For a more peaceful solution I'd invite you to do what my friends at the Catholic Worker do.  They go around to grocery stores and get fruits and vegetables that the store is getting rid of².  My friend Carrie talked about it here.

Once you return from the store your kitchen table may look like this:

So you've got all this food that needs to be used rather quickly.  But even spread among four houses there are only so many apples that one man can eat.  Once solution is to bake a whole bunch of apple crisp (which was Carrie's solution) however, you still run the risk of it going bad.  Will suggested that we can a bunch of it so that it will keep on a more long term basis.  Genius.  So the next morning we got to work.

Our plan was to stew the tomatoes, make apple butter from the apples, and make a hot pepper jelly from the peppers.  Tim and I went to Will's house at about 9 in the morning to get started³.  Tim's job was to peel, core and slice the apples (I think we had like six pounds).  My job was to peel the tomatoes using the following process.  First I placed the tomatoes into a pot of boiling water.  Once the skin split I put them in ice water for a few minutes.  Then I simply peeled the skins right off.  Next I cored and quartered the tomatoes so that they could be put into cans.

After this the cans get lids and are boiled in water so that the lids seal and the tomatoes cook all the way through.

Tim's apples were cooked in pots with a little bit of water so that they softened up.  Then we through them in a food processor and back into the pot they went.  This time with cinnamon, nutmeg and a whole lot of sugar.  You bring the whole mess to a boil and just let it go until the apple butter thickens up.  Will said that it was on the stove from 10 until around 3:30 when he finally canned it, but it could have stayed on even longer.

As for the peppers, they were cored and quartered as well.  The green and red peppers had most of their seeds removed, the smaller ones kept their seeds.  After that it was a trip to the food process and then into a pot with some sugar.  After a few minutes you add some pectin so that the jelly will set.  Then boil it and can it.  If you have never had hot pepper jelly I highly recommend it.  It is great with cheese and crackers.

This was my first time canning vegetables and it was very fun, though it helped to be doing it with Will and Tim, and it was a great way to utilize the food we had gotten.  The total cost of the whole endeavor was around $13.  For that we came away with four quarts and a pint of tomatoes and something like 10 pints of apple butter⁴, unfortunately the pectin didn't set so the jelly didn't turn out right.  But hopefully we can still use it in stir fry.

So there you have it, something from nothing.  If you want to stop by for a little dab of D.A.B.⁵ come on by and I will throw a slice in the toaster for you⁶.

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¹ "I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
² Aka they go dumpster diving, which creeped me out at first, until I realized that these stores get rid of perfectly good fruit.
³ Hooray for snow days!
⁴ A quick google search has apple butter priced at $5 a pint, so we made $50 worth of apple butter alone.
⁵ Dumpster Apple Butter.
⁵ We got a bunch of Bakehouse bread from the Saharamart if you want to double up on your free stuff.

On Fulfilling A Birthday Wish....Kind Of

In which a contractual obligation almost backfires until it doesn't.

[My friend Seth Rowe¹ recently had a birthday².  As a gift I decided to give him the option to tell me what to blog about, because, firstly, his blog was inspirational in the creation of my blog, and secondly, I'm cheap.  He wanted me to write about my second visit to Columbus (which hasn't happened) or to write about the trip that I would be going on in the next month (which was news to me).  I took his idea and ran with it...]

There is a place, not too far from here,
Where the Scioto and the Olentangy meet.
Long ago, in olden days, this was the new frontier
But now, instead, you'll find idiots not known for being discreet.

O-H-I-O they shout,
Whether you want them to or not.
You shake your head at the stupid lout
Living in this place manners forgot.

Filthy rivers make it tough
To finish a disc golf game.
Wise visitors say "That's enough."
And return from whence they came.

Columbus is a terrible place whether sleeping or awake,
And I'll tell anyone who asks of me, visiting there is a mistake.

Yet, when I think of my good friends,
Whose names are Seth and Julie,
I must see the city through a new lens,
And thus, speak to you truly.

You'll find Settlers there, a garden gnome,
And late night conversation.
I would get to see their new home
While enjoying a short vacation.

Plenty of laughter will abound
During the time that I am there,
As well as talks that are profound,
With good friends, for whom I deeply care.

So Seth, and Julie, grab a pen, and prepare a note to take.
Beware the Ides of March because I'll be there over my spring break³.


Happy Birthday Seth!


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¹ Of "The Summer of Seth and Josh".
² It was his 26th by my count.
³ Spring break runs from the 13th-21st and the Ides of March is the 15th.